Days of Fear and Joy

We are so badly hit with jetlag that it, so far, has been next to impossible to start a normal routine. My suitcases are still half unpacked and the house is in shambles! When Uma sleeps, so do I. There is not really a question of doing chores when she is awake, and when she sleeps, I take alittle time to check mails, and pick up about 15 minutes, and then I go to bed too. I need all the rest I can get! From my pre-Uma reading, it was suggested that one not worry about the house in the beginning, and this is what I am trying to do. It is just too difficult to do anything at all with Uma in my arms constantly. She cannot bear to have me even a few feet away, her anxiety at being left is so great. It is just heartwrenching.

We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.

During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.

Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.

Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!