Each day Uma seems to be getting more secure and more adjusted to her life here. She still has tremendous anxiety about being left somewhere, but it has improved as compared to the beginning.
To me, one of the most significant signs that she was beginning to feel safer is that now, if she falls asleep in the car, and it is time for actual sleep (naptime or bedtime) she will sleep on my shoulder when I carry her up, and stay asleep when I put her in bed. It used to be that if she fell asleep. The moment the car had stopped, she would be wide awake to see where she was and she would not go to sleep again on my shoulder. It was as if she wanted to make sure where she was being taken and hypervigilant about not being left somewhere. Now she trusts enough to stay asleep, and that, to me is a big deal!
She also has finally started to attach to the security blanket I got for her to attach to. It is a little satin doggie/blanket and has two flat rubber paws that she can bite on (which she likes to do). It is small enough to carry and soft, though not especially "little girlish" but definitely fits the bill. I bought several because I found I was having trouble remembering to bring the doggie and often had to go all the way back up to the house to get it. So now we have one for my mom's, and one for the car, which I also put in the stroller. Uma used to totally ignore it, then she would discard it. Now she holds it and tonight, when we were leaving the car, she pointed to it (the car version) to remind me to take it. When she went to bed, she was hugging itin one hand, and holding my hand in the other, while falling asleep.
Uma also now will allow me to stoke her back or her chest as she falls asleep, and she like me to sing to her. Initially, she would push me away if I did this, and cover my mouth when I sang. I would stop for that night, but then the next night and day for nap, I would persist. Now, she will actually place my hand on her chest, and touch my mouth to tell me to rub her and sing. I sing the song, "Edleweiss" from Sound of Music. I really need to learn a new one, though she seems to like it. She used to rock her head back and forth to put herself to sleep. Now, she no longer does this, but has replaced it with my stroking and singing. I guess this is a good thing except it takes me alot longer to get her to sleep than when she did it herself with her head rocking!
For the most part, she sleeps totally through the night soundly now, without even moving much. Occasionally, like tonight, she seems to have bad dreams, and will cry in her sleep, or crawl into my arms. I was typing this when I heard her crying. I went into the bedroom and she was still asleep, but in the spot where I sleep. I rubbed her back and held her, and then she leaned back to go to sleep in her bed.
Pizza is another milestone in my book! This little girl would not eat any American food at all, and initally, I had given her pizza and she would not eat it. Now, pizza is her all time favorite food. She could probablly eat a whole pizza on her own if I would let her! I literally have to limit how much of it she eats! We went to Govinda's the other day, which has both Indian food (the rice and dal that she is used to) and pizza. I offered her first the rice and dal, but she was eyeing her cousin Jaredan's pizza, and she turned down the rice and dal. I gave her some pizza, and that was it! She would probably eat pizza breakfast, lunch and dinner if I would let her! She still will not eat a hamburger, but we will work her up to that! :)
Jan 27, 2008
Jan 20, 2008
Learning to Be a Family
I keep getting e-mails from people asking me when I am going to update the blog, and really I have been wanting to, but sleep time is precious and now that I don't have jet lag those late night updates are just not happening....
So today, I am sacrificing my nap (badly needed) to be able to update.
Uma has been here over a week and a half now, and has been with us since January 2. The change in her has been amazing! She gained 5 pounds and grew and inch since we took her to the embassy doctor! Her eyes, which were dull when we first picked her up, now have the most beautiful sparkle!
She had her first visit with the pediatrician a few years ago. She was given a clean bill of health, and is now, with her sudden weight gain and growth, is in the 40 percentile of her age. The only issue is that she is pretty anemic, which I saw she was in her initial medical reports. So we have to put her on iron drops for the next month. I have been feeding her iron rich foods, which, as long as they are not green, and as long as I can hide them in plain yogurt, she eats willingly. Anything green, she will shake her head "no" vehemently, so that does limit alot of the iron foods, but she will eat spinich pancakes, as long as I dip them first in her yogurt. I should invest in stocks in Pavel's yogurt company for all the yogurt this little girl eats!
She has taken to Adhipen now and calls him, "Da" Last night, she and I came home from my parent's house and as soon as I opened the door, she called, "Da, Hi!" Unfortunately, Adhipen was not there, but he did come home while she took her bath. She will still not stay with him alone if I am not in the room, but today at the park, she let him play with her and chase her. She is truly on her way to becoming a serious "Daddy's girl." :)
Uma responds to her name now. And will smile at passerbys while she sits with me in the park or if we are out somewhere. She still is relatively shy if she is introduced to people directly, but will eventually warm up, and if the person is a woman, she will eventually let them hold her and play with her.
We had our first "play date" the other day. A lovely woman named Alberta, who I met from Peachhead, invited me over to her house to teach me how to put Uma in the carrier in the back. I did learn her technique, though I still need to practice it. I am tempted to simply buy a hard carrier that I can just lift her in and save myself the strife. Anyway, Alberta has two daughters, Mia and Georgia, who is almost Uma's age. They were extremely nice to us, and by the end of the evening, Uma was playing in Alberta's lap, though looking over at me periodically. Letting her play in other's arms is technically against the advice I have been given, but a part of me is torn because I love that she is able to receive love and attention and want her to enjoy it. Well, tomorrow we are going to Ventura to meet with the attachement therapist I have been consulting with, and I will ask her about it.
Uma has also bonded with my mother, and with her 8 year old cousin, Jaredan, who is just wild about her. It is so adorable to watch how he takes care of her, plays with her and tries to teach her. He is so sensitive to her and so observant about her. I want to try to encourage that bond as well. She recognizes my father and smiles at him, but still will not go to him, or any man other than Adhipen for that matter. Maybe that is a good thing that we should try to keep going! It could save us alot of aggravation in her teen years. :)
Each day is a new learning for me, as a mother and a person. This little being is so totally dependent on me, and yet she has her own mind and her own being that she very much wishes to assert at her near 2 years. I am starting to learn to flow with her, predict her needs and figure out how to get along with her. For example, she had been crying and having tantrums before naps, and especially before bed. I tried changing her nap/bed times, skipping naps, and found that she definitely needed the nap, and definitely needed a decently early bed time. The more tired she was, the worse it was.
In my gut, I just don't like the "let them cry themselves to sleep" approach, especially because I am sure she did this alone for many years, and I am not sure that it is at all conducive to attachment. I was not leaving her alone anyway, but this was not the issue. I finally figured out that she needed more of a transition time than I had been giving her, and that was the issue. Now, I turn the lights out (but for our night light) and hold her standing for a while rubbing her back and speaking to her. Then I turn on this musical thing she has in her crib, which I bought from another Peachhead mom, and start acting very interested in it (still standing outside the crib). I start looking and acting surprised that it lights up and plays music. Then she will reach out to be put in bed so she can play with it. Then I come next to her and we roll the balls it has attached to for a while and I point out the sea animals. Then I say in Hindi, "sleep now," and lay down to pretend I am asleep. She, on her own, switches the music on this thing to be the sound of waves, and will play a bit with her stuffed animals. She will then either come lay in my arms, or hold my hand, or tap on my shoulder to cover her. We smile at each other as she lays down, and then she goes to sleep on her own. What a difference this was from the screaming we had just a week ago!
She is learning each day...about the joys of swinging on a swing, the feelings of contentment of having a mommy and daddy hold her and kiss her at the same time, the soft touch of a cat rubbing against her, and so many, many things. And we are learning too, about how to dance together in this life, how to love and respect a little child and how to be loving parents.
I am also learning how not to nag Adhipen too much to get those photos uploaded so I can post some more!
So today, I am sacrificing my nap (badly needed) to be able to update.
Uma has been here over a week and a half now, and has been with us since January 2. The change in her has been amazing! She gained 5 pounds and grew and inch since we took her to the embassy doctor! Her eyes, which were dull when we first picked her up, now have the most beautiful sparkle!
She had her first visit with the pediatrician a few years ago. She was given a clean bill of health, and is now, with her sudden weight gain and growth, is in the 40 percentile of her age. The only issue is that she is pretty anemic, which I saw she was in her initial medical reports. So we have to put her on iron drops for the next month. I have been feeding her iron rich foods, which, as long as they are not green, and as long as I can hide them in plain yogurt, she eats willingly. Anything green, she will shake her head "no" vehemently, so that does limit alot of the iron foods, but she will eat spinich pancakes, as long as I dip them first in her yogurt. I should invest in stocks in Pavel's yogurt company for all the yogurt this little girl eats!
She has taken to Adhipen now and calls him, "Da" Last night, she and I came home from my parent's house and as soon as I opened the door, she called, "Da, Hi!" Unfortunately, Adhipen was not there, but he did come home while she took her bath. She will still not stay with him alone if I am not in the room, but today at the park, she let him play with her and chase her. She is truly on her way to becoming a serious "Daddy's girl." :)
Uma responds to her name now. And will smile at passerbys while she sits with me in the park or if we are out somewhere. She still is relatively shy if she is introduced to people directly, but will eventually warm up, and if the person is a woman, she will eventually let them hold her and play with her.
We had our first "play date" the other day. A lovely woman named Alberta, who I met from Peachhead, invited me over to her house to teach me how to put Uma in the carrier in the back. I did learn her technique, though I still need to practice it. I am tempted to simply buy a hard carrier that I can just lift her in and save myself the strife. Anyway, Alberta has two daughters, Mia and Georgia, who is almost Uma's age. They were extremely nice to us, and by the end of the evening, Uma was playing in Alberta's lap, though looking over at me periodically. Letting her play in other's arms is technically against the advice I have been given, but a part of me is torn because I love that she is able to receive love and attention and want her to enjoy it. Well, tomorrow we are going to Ventura to meet with the attachement therapist I have been consulting with, and I will ask her about it.
Uma has also bonded with my mother, and with her 8 year old cousin, Jaredan, who is just wild about her. It is so adorable to watch how he takes care of her, plays with her and tries to teach her. He is so sensitive to her and so observant about her. I want to try to encourage that bond as well. She recognizes my father and smiles at him, but still will not go to him, or any man other than Adhipen for that matter. Maybe that is a good thing that we should try to keep going! It could save us alot of aggravation in her teen years. :)
Each day is a new learning for me, as a mother and a person. This little being is so totally dependent on me, and yet she has her own mind and her own being that she very much wishes to assert at her near 2 years. I am starting to learn to flow with her, predict her needs and figure out how to get along with her. For example, she had been crying and having tantrums before naps, and especially before bed. I tried changing her nap/bed times, skipping naps, and found that she definitely needed the nap, and definitely needed a decently early bed time. The more tired she was, the worse it was.
In my gut, I just don't like the "let them cry themselves to sleep" approach, especially because I am sure she did this alone for many years, and I am not sure that it is at all conducive to attachment. I was not leaving her alone anyway, but this was not the issue. I finally figured out that she needed more of a transition time than I had been giving her, and that was the issue. Now, I turn the lights out (but for our night light) and hold her standing for a while rubbing her back and speaking to her. Then I turn on this musical thing she has in her crib, which I bought from another Peachhead mom, and start acting very interested in it (still standing outside the crib). I start looking and acting surprised that it lights up and plays music. Then she will reach out to be put in bed so she can play with it. Then I come next to her and we roll the balls it has attached to for a while and I point out the sea animals. Then I say in Hindi, "sleep now," and lay down to pretend I am asleep. She, on her own, switches the music on this thing to be the sound of waves, and will play a bit with her stuffed animals. She will then either come lay in my arms, or hold my hand, or tap on my shoulder to cover her. We smile at each other as she lays down, and then she goes to sleep on her own. What a difference this was from the screaming we had just a week ago!
She is learning each day...about the joys of swinging on a swing, the feelings of contentment of having a mommy and daddy hold her and kiss her at the same time, the soft touch of a cat rubbing against her, and so many, many things. And we are learning too, about how to dance together in this life, how to love and respect a little child and how to be loving parents.
I am also learning how not to nag Adhipen too much to get those photos uploaded so I can post some more!
Jan 16, 2008
Method for Attachment
I am posting this for all to see as it summarizes what I have been advised by experts as well as what I learned in my own studying before Uma got here. This is, more or less, the approach we are taking with her. I am putting it out there in hopes of getting support from everyone. It is amazing how much advice I started getting, from the very beginning. It is sort of crazy making because the advice often conflicts with what I learned, and yet, in wanting to be a good parent, I sometimes feel confused as to what is "best."
I am pretty much following the below guidelines, with a bit of intuition mixed in there. They were written by Beth McCann, a parent from the Reactive Attachment Forum. She mentions that she had them "approved" by Daniel Hughes, whose books I read, and loved, before Uma got here, and who is considered the "Guru" in the area of attachment and attachment disorder.
Here they are:
1. YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.
2. YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.
3. KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.
4. BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.
5. A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.
6. WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.
7. NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.
8. DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!
9. ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!
10. SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!
11. SING, SING, SING!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!
12. ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"
13. EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!
14. EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.
15. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.
16. GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!
17. KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.
18. PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.
19. FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.
20. HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.
21. IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.
I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!
Beth McCannBAMcCann@AOL.COMBucksport, ME
Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.
This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.
I am pretty much following the below guidelines, with a bit of intuition mixed in there. They were written by Beth McCann, a parent from the Reactive Attachment Forum. She mentions that she had them "approved" by Daniel Hughes, whose books I read, and loved, before Uma got here, and who is considered the "Guru" in the area of attachment and attachment disorder.
Here they are:
1. YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.
2. YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.
3. KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.
4. BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.
5. A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.
6. WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.
7. NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.
8. DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!
9. ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!
10. SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!
11. SING, SING, SING!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!
12. ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"
13. EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!
14. EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.
15. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.
16. GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!
17. KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.
18. PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.
19. FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.
20. HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.
21. IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.
I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!
Beth McCannBAMcCann@AOL.COMBucksport, ME
Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.
This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.
Jan 14, 2008
Days of Fear and Joy
We are so badly hit with jetlag that it, so far, has been next to impossible to start a normal routine. My suitcases are still half unpacked and the house is in shambles! When Uma sleeps, so do I. There is not really a question of doing chores when she is awake, and when she sleeps, I take alittle time to check mails, and pick up about 15 minutes, and then I go to bed too. I need all the rest I can get! From my pre-Uma reading, it was suggested that one not worry about the house in the beginning, and this is what I am trying to do. It is just too difficult to do anything at all with Uma in my arms constantly. She cannot bear to have me even a few feet away, her anxiety at being left is so great. It is just heartwrenching.
We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.
During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.
Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.
Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!
We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.
During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.
Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.
Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!
Jan 12, 2008
We are Home with Our Uma!
We made it home. Uma was just amazing on the flight! She actually waved good-bye with glee to everyone in sight as we stood in line to show our documents to leave India! I could not figure out how she knew that they/we were leaving. We had gone on many outings with her in my sling, and the only thing different about this was that everyone had suitcases. My husband is convinced that she knew she was leaving and was glad about it because she cried every single trip to the embassy until we got her visa and as soon as they handed it to us, she laughed with absolute joy and celebration. Adhipen and I were dumbfounded!
She also loved the take off and was very patient with me as I put the children's ear plugs in her ears. I was really worried about the air pressure and the fact that she had such a stuffed nose, but there was no problem whatsoever on any of the take offs or landings.
He diarrhea was completely under control between the medicine we gave her and our strict adherence to a diet of rice, white bread and yoghurt. I felt so bad about the lousy food, especially when she would point to what others were eating, that I could not bring myself to eat in front of her, so I ate what she ate and was none the worse for it.
Thankfully and luckily, on the flight from Delhi to Paris, we had an empty seat next to us and so she curled up and slept the entire flight. Equally as luckily, on the flight from Paris to LA, we were able to get a bassinet seat, and so she also slept (and so did I) almost the entire flight.
Other than that, Air France was absolutely terrible, and I would never travel that airline again!
My parents were at the airport to meet us, loaded with a camera and an "I Love You" ballon. My sister-in-law, Corinne, did an emergency grocery shop (thank goodness for her!) and met us at the house with Jareden and Kanan. Everyone was just smitten with her!
I was worried about the overstimulation, but when I saw how well she handled the plane and the travel, I was not as worried about it, though today we had just quiet time. I was also really surprised that she did not scream in the carseat. Though she loves car rides, she does not like to be off my lap, nor does she like to be constrained. Yet, when I put her in, she sat contentedly holding my hand, and enjoyed the car ride. Then next step will be when I have to put her in and then drive the car. Hopefully, she will surprise me on that one too...I am otherwise dreading it a bit.
Uma has handled everything very well, though she is extremely jet lagged. I am even more jet lagged and worn down, from the stress of the travel, the trip and had walking pneumonia on the trip and had to go on antibiotics. Plus, for all the joys of motherhood, I literally cannot even go to the toilet without Uma on my lap. She screams if I am not within her physical reach, and even if she can see me, she is not contented. This. plus the overwheming fatigue with the jet lag has made it almost impossible to do anythiing, including unpack. I am rushing as I type this because I know that if I do not get in bed soon, I will be the real loser because when she wakes, so do I. The days of sleeping how long I want, when I want are over!!
Before I close, I just want to say what a sensitive and loving soul Uma is. She likes to feed me the way I feed her, and I had a sore on my arm, which she looked and and said with extreme concern on her face, "ooh!" She then started stroking it and looking at me to see if I was feeling better.
Today she had the first bath in a tub that she has ever had. In India, she bathed by standing and having water poured over her head. We did this type of bath in India and yesterday, but today, I let the water in the tub fill as I poured it, and put some plastic bowls in the water. She soon discovered the fun of playing in the water with the bowls. I let it get about half full, and then she discovered that if she sat down, she could kick her legs and do all sorts of fun things. It was so much fun watching her joy in the water, I hated to take her out. I kept asking her if she wanted out, and she shook her head "no." Finally, I had to just let the water drain the tub or I never would have gotten her out - I am certain we would still be there now! Well, now that she has found this fun, she can enjoy it each night.
I don't know when I will be able to post again. It is impossible to do anything at all. I am not even able to unpack the suitcases! I have to put her in my sling when I cook, and I have not yet learned how to do the back position, which I don't even know if she will tolerate. I need to close this so I can watch the instruction video and be able to try it tomorrow. Each day is a learning experience for us both.
She also loved the take off and was very patient with me as I put the children's ear plugs in her ears. I was really worried about the air pressure and the fact that she had such a stuffed nose, but there was no problem whatsoever on any of the take offs or landings.
He diarrhea was completely under control between the medicine we gave her and our strict adherence to a diet of rice, white bread and yoghurt. I felt so bad about the lousy food, especially when she would point to what others were eating, that I could not bring myself to eat in front of her, so I ate what she ate and was none the worse for it.
Thankfully and luckily, on the flight from Delhi to Paris, we had an empty seat next to us and so she curled up and slept the entire flight. Equally as luckily, on the flight from Paris to LA, we were able to get a bassinet seat, and so she also slept (and so did I) almost the entire flight.
Other than that, Air France was absolutely terrible, and I would never travel that airline again!
My parents were at the airport to meet us, loaded with a camera and an "I Love You" ballon. My sister-in-law, Corinne, did an emergency grocery shop (thank goodness for her!) and met us at the house with Jareden and Kanan. Everyone was just smitten with her!
I was worried about the overstimulation, but when I saw how well she handled the plane and the travel, I was not as worried about it, though today we had just quiet time. I was also really surprised that she did not scream in the carseat. Though she loves car rides, she does not like to be off my lap, nor does she like to be constrained. Yet, when I put her in, she sat contentedly holding my hand, and enjoyed the car ride. Then next step will be when I have to put her in and then drive the car. Hopefully, she will surprise me on that one too...I am otherwise dreading it a bit.
Uma has handled everything very well, though she is extremely jet lagged. I am even more jet lagged and worn down, from the stress of the travel, the trip and had walking pneumonia on the trip and had to go on antibiotics. Plus, for all the joys of motherhood, I literally cannot even go to the toilet without Uma on my lap. She screams if I am not within her physical reach, and even if she can see me, she is not contented. This. plus the overwheming fatigue with the jet lag has made it almost impossible to do anythiing, including unpack. I am rushing as I type this because I know that if I do not get in bed soon, I will be the real loser because when she wakes, so do I. The days of sleeping how long I want, when I want are over!!
Before I close, I just want to say what a sensitive and loving soul Uma is. She likes to feed me the way I feed her, and I had a sore on my arm, which she looked and and said with extreme concern on her face, "ooh!" She then started stroking it and looking at me to see if I was feeling better.
Today she had the first bath in a tub that she has ever had. In India, she bathed by standing and having water poured over her head. We did this type of bath in India and yesterday, but today, I let the water in the tub fill as I poured it, and put some plastic bowls in the water. She soon discovered the fun of playing in the water with the bowls. I let it get about half full, and then she discovered that if she sat down, she could kick her legs and do all sorts of fun things. It was so much fun watching her joy in the water, I hated to take her out. I kept asking her if she wanted out, and she shook her head "no." Finally, I had to just let the water drain the tub or I never would have gotten her out - I am certain we would still be there now! Well, now that she has found this fun, she can enjoy it each night.
I don't know when I will be able to post again. It is impossible to do anything at all. I am not even able to unpack the suitcases! I have to put her in my sling when I cook, and I have not yet learned how to do the back position, which I don't even know if she will tolerate. I need to close this so I can watch the instruction video and be able to try it tomorrow. Each day is a learning experience for us both.
Jan 8, 2008
We Are Leaving Today!
Today is our last day in India. We leave tonight at around 9PM. Our plane will leave at 1:30 Am.
Yesterday we completed everything at the embassy after about 5 trips there. Finally everything is complete. We are ready to go.
Uma has terrible diarrhea today. IT is the type that literally covers her entirely in a matter of seconds and also requires a bath to clean it all up. It started yesterday, stopped in the evening and then came back this morning after she ate. The pediatrician had given me some medicine for her. I am praying it works - otherwise this travel will bring a new definition to the word hell!
Uma also has a fairly bad cold, which is also not an ideal situation for travel, and especially since this will be her first time on a plane, and she is a person who does not like to be confined anyway. The pediatrician gave me a decongestant that will also make her sleep. I gave her a dose last night and noticed that she seemed to wake up earlier than usual (which thwarted my packing plan). However, after her morning dose today, she threw one of those "I am really tired and really pissed off about it because there is still fun to be had" tantrums, and then when to sleep. She is still asleep now, so I thought I would quickly update the blog and get to my packing as since she is not feeling well, she is particularly clingy today and packing will otherwise prove difficult.
We spent most of our trip back and forth from the embassy and at the doctors, and so much to my chagrin, I hardly even saw New Delhi. After Uma wakes, if my packing is under control, we will go on a outing, our first and last for this trip.
Still, I am really eager to get home and start our routine there. There really is no place like home!
Yesterday we completed everything at the embassy after about 5 trips there. Finally everything is complete. We are ready to go.
Uma has terrible diarrhea today. IT is the type that literally covers her entirely in a matter of seconds and also requires a bath to clean it all up. It started yesterday, stopped in the evening and then came back this morning after she ate. The pediatrician had given me some medicine for her. I am praying it works - otherwise this travel will bring a new definition to the word hell!
Uma also has a fairly bad cold, which is also not an ideal situation for travel, and especially since this will be her first time on a plane, and she is a person who does not like to be confined anyway. The pediatrician gave me a decongestant that will also make her sleep. I gave her a dose last night and noticed that she seemed to wake up earlier than usual (which thwarted my packing plan). However, after her morning dose today, she threw one of those "I am really tired and really pissed off about it because there is still fun to be had" tantrums, and then when to sleep. She is still asleep now, so I thought I would quickly update the blog and get to my packing as since she is not feeling well, she is particularly clingy today and packing will otherwise prove difficult.
We spent most of our trip back and forth from the embassy and at the doctors, and so much to my chagrin, I hardly even saw New Delhi. After Uma wakes, if my packing is under control, we will go on a outing, our first and last for this trip.
Still, I am really eager to get home and start our routine there. There really is no place like home!
Jan 7, 2008
We have our Baby!
I was in such a frenzy to try to get ready, I literally had not a moment to spare to update this blogsite and clarify that yes were were leaving.
Well, we left and here I am right now, late at night (since I can only do anything for myself after Uma has gone to bed) writing from India. Our little girl is asleep in the room next to where I am writing. I have the door open so I can hear her if she calls out, which she frequently did the first few nights, and less as the days go on. She still reaches out to make sure that I am next to her and last night, in the middle of the night, she threw a literal tantrum because she had gone to sleep inbetween us and when she reached out on the side I am usually on, she found Adhipen instead.
She has bonded very deeply with me and is a literal velcro baby. She will not let anyone else touch her, including Adhipen. We were advised by the experts that we consulted that she needs to form a deep attachment to her mother first before anyone else, and so I have really been with her constantly with no one else to aid me.
In the embassy, she threw a terrible tantrum and screamed and cried so loudly that the officer had to ask us to do something about it. Adhipen had to take her since I was the one handling the embassy stuff. She was extremely unhappy about that. She is strong willed and very much a toddler with her own mind. That coupled with a background of abandonment and attachment issues makes her tantrums particularly intense. Thankfully, a technique I learned called "holding time" has seemed to work and as the days go by, it seems to take less time for me to calm her using this technique. Some of her tantrums are mixed with deep grief and so after she is finished, I have spent almost an equal amount of time holding her in a different way that the technique dictates and comforting her.
With each progressive day, we can see her coming out to be herself and feeling more secure.
Initially, I could not even go to the bathroom in peace as it would require me to set her down and this elicited shrieks and crying. Now, she feels safe enough that if I leave all doors open, she will sit quietly playing with her toys, and as long as she knows where I am and can hear me, she is not troubled.
She is very beautiful with huge dark brown eyes and the sweetest smile and expressions on her face. She has a birthmark that is right in the center of her 3rd eye, which Adhipen keeps remarking about. She babbbles constantly, and sings to herself alot. One of the words she loves to babble, is "um ma," which is pretty amazing! It is almost as if she knows that this will be her name someday soon.
She also seems to understand quite a bit of English. We were out the other night having dinner with some friends, and I was talking about her as she sat on my lap. She turned and looked up and put her hand over my mouth with a smile, as if to say, "stop speaking about me!"
Though I had learned some Hindi phrases, she and I have developed our own way of speaking to each other with signs and expressions. She shakes her head "no" if she does not want something, and points if she does.
She is extremely bright and catches on right away to whatever you show her. She used to scream when we would go into the elevator until she finaly became brave enough to push the button that Adhipen showed her how to do. After that, she was no longer afraid and remembered which button (out of many) it was that she had pushed to get us to our destination. She is also extremely sensitive.
She has an amazing appetite! I have never seen a child eat so much! She can down a meal that an adult would eat, and then be hungry a few hours later. We took her to a pediatrician today who said that she was trying to "catch up." Actually, today was the first day when she actually shook her head "no" when she was full. Otherwise, prior, she seemed to be a bottomless pit!
Because of her temper and her tantrums, I am really not looking forward to that plane ride home, I have to say! Still, she surprised me today with amazing behaviour when we took her to Apollo Hospital for a check up. I was stressing out from the crowds, the noise and the long waiting, but she was a calm as a cucumber the entire time, and barely even fussed when the doctor examined her. So maybe she will surprise me again, and I will be able to throw the word "dread" out!?
We had a bit of a problem at the embassy, with one of our paperwork having an error and requiring me to contact our social worker in the US to fax a correction. This, of course, happened on a Friday, and so I had the entire weekend to worry about it (which I refused to do!). We went to the embassy today and the fax had been received and so that part of the problem was solved. Everything else seems in order and so tomorrow, Uma and I will go to the embassy alone to do our interview and hopefully pick up the visa in the afternoon. I am a bit anxious to go without Adhipen, but while we need to go to the embassy, he has to go for a GI workup at the Apollo hospital. We decided to do that here as the cost is ridiculously low and the medical care is top quality.
India is intense and amazing. We are staying a the most wonderful bed and breakfast. Uma's angels sure were at work when they found us this place! The owners, Sudhir and Aruna have literally treated us like family. They have bought gifts for Uma, have fed us so well that it is as if our owhelped Adhipen locate copper cups that he sells on his website and could not get any longer from South India. We have had the run of their home, which has really, really helped in terms of my bonding with Uma (lots of space for us to play in) and our comfort, in general. We have had a driver to take us anywhere we need to go and Adhpen has had a cell phone. Right across the street is a Goddess temple where we went to pray and given mother were here, and make food for us to take out during the day for the baby. They paid for my doctor's visit (he made a house call to us) as I had a cough that was relentless and worsening due to the enormous stress of the trip and the lack of rest, and they thanks just before we went to pick up Uma.
I would really love to write more, but our little girl went to be around 7,. and though she sleeps a good long sleep, I have a feeling she will wake me up nice and early and I will be on with her until bedtime the next night. Welcome to motherhood! :)
I will close now, and write more when we get home.
Well, we left and here I am right now, late at night (since I can only do anything for myself after Uma has gone to bed) writing from India. Our little girl is asleep in the room next to where I am writing. I have the door open so I can hear her if she calls out, which she frequently did the first few nights, and less as the days go on. She still reaches out to make sure that I am next to her and last night, in the middle of the night, she threw a literal tantrum because she had gone to sleep inbetween us and when she reached out on the side I am usually on, she found Adhipen instead.
She has bonded very deeply with me and is a literal velcro baby. She will not let anyone else touch her, including Adhipen. We were advised by the experts that we consulted that she needs to form a deep attachment to her mother first before anyone else, and so I have really been with her constantly with no one else to aid me.
In the embassy, she threw a terrible tantrum and screamed and cried so loudly that the officer had to ask us to do something about it. Adhipen had to take her since I was the one handling the embassy stuff. She was extremely unhappy about that. She is strong willed and very much a toddler with her own mind. That coupled with a background of abandonment and attachment issues makes her tantrums particularly intense. Thankfully, a technique I learned called "holding time" has seemed to work and as the days go by, it seems to take less time for me to calm her using this technique. Some of her tantrums are mixed with deep grief and so after she is finished, I have spent almost an equal amount of time holding her in a different way that the technique dictates and comforting her.
With each progressive day, we can see her coming out to be herself and feeling more secure.
Initially, I could not even go to the bathroom in peace as it would require me to set her down and this elicited shrieks and crying. Now, she feels safe enough that if I leave all doors open, she will sit quietly playing with her toys, and as long as she knows where I am and can hear me, she is not troubled.
She is very beautiful with huge dark brown eyes and the sweetest smile and expressions on her face. She has a birthmark that is right in the center of her 3rd eye, which Adhipen keeps remarking about. She babbbles constantly, and sings to herself alot. One of the words she loves to babble, is "um ma," which is pretty amazing! It is almost as if she knows that this will be her name someday soon.
She also seems to understand quite a bit of English. We were out the other night having dinner with some friends, and I was talking about her as she sat on my lap. She turned and looked up and put her hand over my mouth with a smile, as if to say, "stop speaking about me!"
Though I had learned some Hindi phrases, she and I have developed our own way of speaking to each other with signs and expressions. She shakes her head "no" if she does not want something, and points if she does.
She is extremely bright and catches on right away to whatever you show her. She used to scream when we would go into the elevator until she finaly became brave enough to push the button that Adhipen showed her how to do. After that, she was no longer afraid and remembered which button (out of many) it was that she had pushed to get us to our destination. She is also extremely sensitive.
She has an amazing appetite! I have never seen a child eat so much! She can down a meal that an adult would eat, and then be hungry a few hours later. We took her to a pediatrician today who said that she was trying to "catch up." Actually, today was the first day when she actually shook her head "no" when she was full. Otherwise, prior, she seemed to be a bottomless pit!
Because of her temper and her tantrums, I am really not looking forward to that plane ride home, I have to say! Still, she surprised me today with amazing behaviour when we took her to Apollo Hospital for a check up. I was stressing out from the crowds, the noise and the long waiting, but she was a calm as a cucumber the entire time, and barely even fussed when the doctor examined her. So maybe she will surprise me again, and I will be able to throw the word "dread" out!?
We had a bit of a problem at the embassy, with one of our paperwork having an error and requiring me to contact our social worker in the US to fax a correction. This, of course, happened on a Friday, and so I had the entire weekend to worry about it (which I refused to do!). We went to the embassy today and the fax had been received and so that part of the problem was solved. Everything else seems in order and so tomorrow, Uma and I will go to the embassy alone to do our interview and hopefully pick up the visa in the afternoon. I am a bit anxious to go without Adhipen, but while we need to go to the embassy, he has to go for a GI workup at the Apollo hospital. We decided to do that here as the cost is ridiculously low and the medical care is top quality.
India is intense and amazing. We are staying a the most wonderful bed and breakfast. Uma's angels sure were at work when they found us this place! The owners, Sudhir and Aruna have literally treated us like family. They have bought gifts for Uma, have fed us so well that it is as if our owhelped Adhipen locate copper cups that he sells on his website and could not get any longer from South India. We have had the run of their home, which has really, really helped in terms of my bonding with Uma (lots of space for us to play in) and our comfort, in general. We have had a driver to take us anywhere we need to go and Adhpen has had a cell phone. Right across the street is a Goddess temple where we went to pray and given mother were here, and make food for us to take out during the day for the baby. They paid for my doctor's visit (he made a house call to us) as I had a cough that was relentless and worsening due to the enormous stress of the trip and the lack of rest, and they thanks just before we went to pick up Uma.
I would really love to write more, but our little girl went to be around 7,. and though she sleeps a good long sleep, I have a feeling she will wake me up nice and early and I will be on with her until bedtime the next night. Welcome to motherhood! :)
I will close now, and write more when we get home.
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