Happy Birthday to Me!

This is my birthday card from Uma.




Today is my birthday. Uma now understands that a birthday is a special day for someone, but she was frustrated that it could not be her birthday and thought that I was getting a birthday before she was because I was bigger!
Last night she went with Adhipen and picked out a card. He was amazed because on the inside, it actually said, "Happy Birthday!" But Uma had chosen the card because it make her think of her and me. She came to me this morning with the card behind her back and said, "Mommy, here is a card for you." When I looked at it, she pointed to the unicorns and said, "This is Mommy and this is Uma. Same!" She also let me "honk" her nose (a game we play together) 5 times without my getting honked back! This was her special Birthday treat to me!

It was about a month ago that Uma seemed to make a major shift cognitively, socially and language wise. It was almost as if she had some major growth spurt in the neurons of her brain! She has really become talkative and confident with herself. Two days ago, I took her to Giggles N Hugs, and they were having "kid Karaoke." Much to my astonishment, Uma got up on the stage and sang! There were about 50 people watching. The children, most older than she, took turns getting up and singing their favorite song. After one of the children finished, the DJ said, "Who's next?" Uma got up on the stage. He asked, "What's your name?" She said, "Uma" He said, "what do you want to sing?" She said, "Twinkle." He knew what she meant since most of the kids had sung the same song. and so put the music on, and she began. Her pronounciation was less than perfect, but she finished the entire song, for the most part correctly, smiling all the way. I was so proud of her, I almost cried! I also felt like crying because I could not remember how to use my cell phone video, and it was pretty much out of charge anyway. I was torn between looking at her with a big beam, or having my head down to figure out the camera. I opted for the former. She had her eyes glued on me the entire song, so I think it was a good choice, though it was one of those precious moments that I would have loved to film!

India Photos

U
Uma meets a camel (above left) Taj Mahal (above right).

We get Henna done in Anand. Uma was a real trouper during the wait. (above right) Uma has a nice hot bath (our first and only one) at Le Meridian in Ahmedabad, Gujarat.

(above left) Taj Mahal. (above right) Uma with Gandhi at the Gandhi ashram in Ahmedabad, Gujarat. (Left) Uma in her new outfit while in transit at our hotel in London.

(above) We are at a Chai house.

(above) Fatipur Sikri (below)Uma makes a friend!

Lotus Temple

Back from India!

Well, I just updated my other blog, so I am sitting down to update this one. It seems that I start every blog with an apology for being such a bad blogger, so this time I won't do it! I will just write!
I am sitting at Uma's favorite place (next to Disneyland) called, "Giggles and Hugs" Today I discovered taht they have an electrical socket and Wiifi and so while Uma plays happily, I get to get caught up on all sorts of things. It is fantastic except that I feel obligated to buy more and more food to justify sitting here for hours, so I am thoroughly stuffed right now!
Uma is now three and a half. She reminds me constantly that she is "not a baby more" when I call her my baby. I try to explain that no matter how big she gets, she will always be my baby, but somehow, at this age of burgeoning independence, she finds that very offensive. EVERYTHING now is "I do it self!!!!" and she grins from ear to ear when she does!

Uma is a master puzzle builder and it seems that we cannot find a puzzle that stumps her. She is fast, effective and just plain fantastic at it! She loves school, and really looks forward to going. She attends 5 days a week from 8:30 to 11:30. I was worried that 5 days was too much, but it turns out that it has worked out amazingly well because Uma is so happy there. She continues to be behind in her speech, though her receptive language skills test to age 6. She still has alot of trouble with grammer and articulation. We are practicing alot, and I am looking into more speech therapy for her to try to catch her up. Still, she remains undaunted and tries to express herself whether people understand her or not. I am able to understand about 95% of what she says, and now, we are making games out of the words that she misprounces that make it that other can't understand as well. She is a trouper and she is confident in herself, and that really helps.
Our biggest event was that we just went back to India. It was the first time that Uma went back since we picked her up two years ago. I asked her if she remembered when we were here when she was a baby, but she simply shook her head and said, "no member, Mommy."

It was really interesting to see how Americanized she had become! She cannot stand spicy food now, and chose toast with butter over her formerly loved parathas. For the first few days, I kept asking her if she liked India, and she would reply, "not yet." Finally, after she saw her first cow wandering freely, and got to ride in the front seat with daddy and no car seat or seat belt (yikes!) she told me that India was fun and loved it thereafter!

She especially loved seeing all the animals, including monkeys, camels, cows, bulls, tons of dogs and other farm animals. However, towards the end of the trip, she somehow sensed that we were going, and she told me, "India all done, Mommy. I miss my house."

Happy Birthday, Uma!

Today Uma turned three!

Since my last post in January, Uma has grown so much, physically, emotionally and cognitively! She is now above average for her height. My mother says that she is literally double the size she was when she first came. She has lost that round and babyish "toddler" figure and is now looking like a lean and muscular "preschooler."

Uma's speaking has really improved. She still has trouble articulating clearly, but she is a real chatterbox! She loves to talk on the phone whenever anyone calls. She notices who I am talking to (and sometimes I really don't know how she knows because I don't always say the person's name) and asks to speak also. She also loves to talk on her toy cell phone. She has a little bag that it comes in and when we go out, she gets her phone to carry it with her. Then she sits in the back seat and has imaginary conversations with the people she loves. She will say, "Oh, hi daddy!' And then there is silence (as if she is listening) and then she responds, "yes....with Mommy...yes....okay...(giggle, giggle)...yes....okay....Love you! Bye!

Our favorite "Uma language" story requires a bit of background. Whenever Uma does something she is not supposed to, Adhipen will say to her, "No monkey work!" Uma pronounces the word, "monkey" as "bicky." One day, I was digging something out of a drawer and Uma put her hands in and starting messing things even more. I told her, "Uma, stop it!" She looked at me sheepishly and said wagging her finger, "Bicky no work!" Her expression and her version of "no monkey work" were so funny, I could not stop laughing! Since then, it has become a family practice, including Uncles and Aunts, to say, "bicky no work!" anytime someone is goofing off!

Uma is crazy about Barbie movies!There is nothing else that she wants to watch! As a result, she has almost every Barbie movie in the collection. Now she likes to wear crowns when we go to the store saying that they are "Barbie's hat." She does have some Barbie dolls, and right now, as I type this, she has taken them out, while watching a Barbie movie, of course, and is playing with them as she watches the movie. She likes to repeat what the characters are saying in the movie using the dolls as the speakers. Still, the Barbie dolls take second place to the movies!

Uma like to play games with me. She especially loves to play "Memory," with the Disney princess set. We play that particular one face up because there are alot of cards, but she has a smaller set with animals and basic items on it that we play face down. Uma also loves to do puzzles. She has some easy puzzles that she does herself, but she actually prefers the more complex jigsaw puzzles, which she does with some help from me.

Uma has begun doing alot of imaginary play with dolls and tea sets. She still loves to climb and is a very good athelete. She loves to build Legos and she has a wooden bead set that she makes necklaces with over and over again. These, among many others, are some of her favorite toys.

Uma adores my parents, whom she calls "Gaga" and "Papa." She talks about them all the time, loves going over to see them every Thursday while I am working, and every time she sees a Prius (their car) she shouts out, "Look! Papa's car!" She still has a Nanny on Tuesdays, but recently we got a new nanny because Uma just did not seem to like the old one. She never really bonded with her for some reason, and became terrified to go to the park with her, so we are wondering what could have happened there that made her so afraid. Unfortunately, she is unable to tell us exactly what happened, and of course, the nanny said that nothing happened. The only thing we can think it might be is that one time the nanny left Uma's Barney, her nighttime huggy friend, at the park. Even though I replaced the Barney quickly, Uma never seemed to forgive the nanny after that. Anyway, so far, she really seems to like the new one, named "Joshua, but who Uma calls, "Auntie."

My practice has gotten very busy, and I had to open up Saturdays for work. In this economy, I just did not feel I should shut that door when the opportunity was there. So Adhipen takes Uma on Saturdays. She goes to his office and plays with him and with another "Auntie," Suryadasi, who works for Adhipen. Uma enjoys her time with her daddy, and especially enjoys walking all over him! She has him wrapped around her little finger!

Last month, Uma and I took a trip to Washington DC (Adhipen was in India), and a weekend trip together to Lake Elsinore. (Adhipen was away for Sivarathri). I really love these trips with Uma! It is such precious time for me to share with her. I want to take more Mommy/Daughter trips along the way.

Just before we left for the DC trip, Uma started wearing training pants. By the time we got back, she was totally toilet trained. Now she only wears "panties" though I still put her in training pants at night. So far, she has not wet them once!

The day she transitioned to panties, she had a bit of a meltdown, and I was certain that it was grief. She pretended that she stubbed her toe and started crying and crying. She wanted me to comfort her by doing "baby chair" (I rock her like a baby in our rocking chair) and she wanted to drink milk out of a bottle like a baby. I reassured her that she will always be my baby and rocked and cuddled her. After that, she fine with her transition to panties, and proudly told everyone "have panties now!" for a few weeks!

Along side of the transition to panties, she also had some sort of major cognitive and emotional shifts. On one hand, she has become even more physically affectionate, especially with Adhipen and my father (she used to be fairly distant around men, including those two), but on the other hand, she has become more independent. She separates easily from me now, and gets extremely offended if I don't let her do everything herself! I have to allow extra time everyday so that Uma can try to dresss herself, groom herself and do almost every single thing from opening jars to carrying groceries. She will shout out, "my turn please!!" and then jump in front of you to do whatever it is that you want to do. Her speech shot up at this time, and she has also started playing alone with her toys. When she needs to go to the bathroom, she tells me, "Wee wee toilet." Mommy wait here. I'll do it!" She goes and does it all herself, with minimal to no supervision from me! By the way, I have transitioned from being called, "Mama" to "Mommy." I like the "Mommy" stage. I guess the next transition will be when she is a teen and she starts to call me, "Mom." I hope that transition takes a loooooong time to come!

I had not planned on putting her in preschool until the fall, but with this recent shift we have seen in her, I really feel that she is totally ready and really needing to be with other children in a learning/play environment.

Today I visited a class that I think will be really good for Uma. There are 20 children and 4 teachers. She will go 5 days a week, three hours a day from 8:30 - 11:30. During that time, she will still continue to receive speech therapy and occupational therapy. There are therapists on the school site who will pull her out of class to work with her. I think this program will be excellent for her. We will have a meeting, called an IEP (individualized education plan) and I will have written in it that the first week or two I be allowed to transition her to the class however she may need it. Somehow, however, I think the transition will be fairly easy. When we walked on campus for the last IEP, I had Uma with me. As soon as she saw the other children playing on the playground, she tore loose from my hand and went running!! She did not look back! She trusted that I was there and she was ready to experience the world of play, and be with kids her own age.

I guess this is the beginning of letting go! It is her job to grow up, and it is Adhipen and my job to let her. It is so bittersweet to watch her, however. As she matures, all of these new developments in her personality are so exciting and joyous. She is becoming her own person! Yet, at the same time, they mean that the already shortened "baby time" really only a year, is coming to an end. We are shifting to a new layer of growth and maturity. We are watching our little seedling blossom into a flower.

She is, and is becoming, such an amazing flower! It is like having a bottomless treasure chest that continues to unfold more and more treasure, sometimes in the form one would least expect!

Happy birthday, our beautiful daughter! Happy birthday!

Uma Has Been Home One Year!

Today, one year ago, Adhipen and I arrived at the Los Angeles airport with our little Uma. We picked her up on January 2, and arrived home January 10. Our life together had begun.
This time last year, we were all in bed trying to adjust to the jet lag. Uma cried and cried from both fatigue, and probably just the newness of it all (not to mention the bad diarrhea and cold she was suffering from). Tonight, the three of us (until I just excused myself so I could write this) were sitting and painting (which Uma can literally do for more than an hour in one sitting without distraction). She is now secure and settled, happy in her home and comfortable in her life.

As I typ this, I am listening to her talk with Adhipen. She is telling him the colors she wants to use, what she is painting on the page and directing him on how she wants him to paint in her book. It is amazing how far she has come in one year!

Did we have a life before this wonderful being came to join us? I really can't remember! It just feels like we have been together for all this time. Uma's presence is truly a blessing and gift. She brings us so much laughter, pride, cause for introspection and surprise. Sometimes I sit in wonder at how we found each other, and other times I know unequivocally that it was so meant to be, how could we not have found each other? Uma is so much our child!

Yesterday we took Uma's sister, Ishana (Adhipen's daughter from another marriage), to the airport. She had arrived from Dubai, where she lives with her mother, on December 27 for her holiday here with us. On Ishana's last visit in April, Uma had only been here a few months, and she was not ready to suddenly have to share her new found parents. She was quite jealous of Ishana and rejected her alot of the time. This trip, however, was the complete opposite. Uma loved having a big sister! She imitated Ishana's every move and seemed to understand that "Nana" (as Uma calls her) was someone very special to her. She did not want to leave her side.

Hence, it was extremely difficult yesterday to try to explain to her that Ishana was going to leave now and not be back for a while. She finally decided that Nana was "working" which is what she says anytime someone she loves is away from her. I told her that we could talk to Ishana by phone until she came again. Today she started asking me for "Nana phone." She also asked to do "baby chair" (what she says when she wants me to hug her and rock her in the rocking chair) and she cried for about a half hour, really for no overt reason whatsoever. I think it was because she was trying to process suddenly not having Ishana around when in her mind, Ishana was living here with us. Adhipen and I always feel sad when Ishana leaves even though we know the circumstances. What loss must feel like when the mind cannot even comprehend what it is!

We spent a wonderful family time over the holidays. First, we drove to Palo Alto to spend Christmas with my brother, Craig and family. My parents were also there. Then we went to San Jose to be with Adhipen's sister and family. That was when Ishana joined us. Malar's boys, Jeetu and Jeyvel, now in college, were both there and with Ishana and Uma, it was the first time that all the four grandchildren on Adhipen's side were together. Since Ishana lives in Dubai, and Jeetu in Boston, us in LA and Jeyvel in Northern, Ca, it is very rare that this can happen! Hopefully, this summer, when Adhipen's parents are here, we can do it again.

After San Jose, we joined my whole family, Jason and family included, in Morro Bay. They had all rented a beautiful beach house and graciously gifted us the outside guest house where the four of us stayed. We spent the new year there, and then came home on January 2, which was the one year anniversary of our picking up Uma. On the drive back, we stopped in Solvang. My days after that were full of either work or the two girls. Now, with Ishana parting, it is time to start our life in 2009.

Last year after this date, Jan. 10, I had two months of maternity leave where all of my days and nights were spent with Uma. As much as I love my work, I would love another two months this year, though it is not possible. Uma will be turning three in April, and then she will likely start pre-school. My days with her, when I am not working, are already quite taken up with her various therapies, speech and occupational, and we actually don't have one full single day together, except Sunday, where we are without an appointment of some sort. It feels like she is growing up quickly and so I really want to savor every minute I can with her. With changes in my office, I had to work on Thursdays now, in addition to Tuesday and Saturday, and this made it so we have even less time together, which has been sad for me, and I think Uma too. When I go off to work, she still cries most of the time, and now that she is more verbal, when I tell her I need to go to work, she tells me, "no want! Want mama!" I feel the same.

I see my nephews, now practically preteens, and I remember, as if it were yesterday, the day that they each were born. I met Ishana, via phone, when she was Uma's age and speaking pretty much like Uma. She will now be 12 in December! The time passes by so quickly. If I had had children at the "normal" age, they would be in college right now! Instead I am with a toddler, and I could not be happier about it! I even have thoughts in 2009, of bringing Uma a sibling. I hope that we are able to do this. It is such a gift to be able to be a mother, and especially a mother to a child like Uma. My heart is filled with gratitude and awe!

I have to say that for me, it is bittersweet to watch your child grow. On one hand, that is what they are supposed to do, and it is so very exciting and joyful to watch. As they become more mature, they seem to amaze you even more with their wisdom and the person they are becoming. On the other hand, as they grow, they part from you, the baby days turn into childhood, and then teenagehood and then adulthood, and then they are now longer the little one in your arms, flying about the house, asking for "huggies" and discovering the world in your very hands. I never understood how this really felt until now. This is why I do want to savor every moment and also at the same time try to have a life full of work and the other things I need to do. And if I am remiss in 2009, as I was in 2008, and not entering in the blog too often, now you know why. :) The computer just does not take the same precedence as my time with my little Uma.

Adoption Day!

Well, I am finally sitting down to update this blogsite. It is really difficult to be able to carve in some quality time to do it! Today, I was just impelled because it was a very special day. Today, Uma Akriti became legally ours in the eyes of the United States and the state of California. In doing so, she also became a US citizen and will now have a US birth certificate, with our names as her parents.
Under Indian law, we are able to remove her from the country as her legal guardians, but then we must readopt her here. This process required 4 post placement visits, another comprehensive report by a social worker, more paperwork and several visits to the courthouse. Finally, we had the date, which was today. It feels like such a life changing and significant week, with our completing 10 months together with Uma, Obama winning the elections and now, Uma's final adoption.
Alot has happened since my last update. Uma got to meet her paternal grandparents who came to visit us this summer. She quickly bonded with my mother-in-law, and now recognizes them by name, "Jeena" (her grandmother) and "Jeeta" (her grandfather) when she sees their photos.
Her speech is really coming along and she is now using verbs and can answer many questions. She never ceases to amaze us with her sharp mind and memory! She observes everything and files it somewhere in her mind. As a result, she recognizes places, remembers where the car is parked (even when the adults don't!) and remember where daddy placed his cell phone the night before so that when he is looking for it, she quickly is able to retrieve it for him. And should he accidently walk out the door without it, she grabs it and gives it to him as he is leaving - so thanks to Uma, Adhipen never forgets his cell phone anymore.
She has become extremely affectionate and friendly. She says "hi" and "bye" when she passes people in the street - a phenomenon that most adult Angelinos hardly ever do. But she is exceptionally affectionate to me. She literally kisses my hands, sits on my lap and strokes my cheeks and loves to curl up in my arms at night before bed. When Adhipen or I come home, she runs up and flings herself in our arms - the utter joy at being with us is almost overwhelming. I cannot remember the last time I felt such utter abandoment of happiness. She has alot to teach us.
For a while, she was having an intensive therapy (6 hours a week) to help her catch up with her skills, such as learning colors. We discontinued that after they wanted to move from our home to a school setting - it just felt too much, and now Uma and I sit together with skill building. I cannot believe how quickly she learns at my tutoring. She wants so much to please me that she tries much harder than I have ever seen her try with anyone else. I went out the other day and bought a whole bunch of learning tools so that I can gently play and teach at the same time.
We are getting ready to take another trip to Washington DC. My friend Crystal has her newborn son, Mark, now and as always, we want to see Neha and the kids. I have also made a new friend through adoption that I want to meet.
There is so much more to say, but I only have 3 minutes until midnight, and I very much want this post dated on November 6, 2008 - one of the most significant days of our life.
I will really make an effort to update more often. Until next time...

Happy 4th of July! More Photos!

Today is 6 months Together!

By the time this posts, it will be after midnight, and no longer, officially "today," but it was on January 2, 2008 that we picked Uma up, and so it is 6 months today that we are together! In fact, it was July 1, 2006 that Uma was brought to the orphanage, so we are marking two years ago that her life of transition began.

I have lots of pictures to post, and it will be difficult to decide which ones to do and which not to. It will also be difficult to update on all that has happened since my last post. Uma has grown so much!

Well, I will begin with our time with Uma's sister, Ishana. She was here in April, and Adhipen and I spent our 6 year wedding anniversary with our two girls. Uma and Ishana bonded, though Uma was quite jealous of Ishana and had a difficult time sharing her parents with someone else. Ishana was extremely patient and seemed to understand, though I think that Uma will need to grow up more for Ishana to really appreciate her and for her to appreciate her big sister.

Ishana and Uma together

Shortly after Ishana left, Adhipen took a trip to India (he left a day before Mother's day! GRRRR) and so Uma and I spent Mother's Day alone. We took a weekend trip alone together to the Renaissance Faire. Uma really enjoyed herself, and especially the alone time with me, despite the fact that I did not have a stroller for her (I thought they would have them to rent...I was wrong!) and so she did alot of walking, and riding on my shoulders.

Uma and I also took a trip together to Washington, DC in June. We went to visit my dear friend, Neha and her children, also adopted from India. They badly wanted to meet Uma, and so off we went on a holiday! Adhipen stayed home to work, so it was just us girls. We had a wonderful time though the trip was way too short due to my needing to come back to work. Coincidently, my brother Jason and family arrived on one of the days, so we all picked them up at the airport, had dinner together and then took them to their hotel, which was in DC itself.

Uma is speaking alot now. She knows most of the family members who she loves by name, and we are estimating that she has a vocabulary of about 50 words now. She can express herself and seems to understand most everything. She cannot answer open ended questions yet, but she can answer "yes" or "no" verbally when asked in this way. She is an extremely happy child, with a loving smile for everyone who passes by. She often says hello to people as they walk by, and she almost always says, "bye bye" when parting. If she knows the person, she will give them a hug and or blow them a kiss.

She has also been receiving occupational therapy twice a week to help her with sensory integration. This is helping her learn to sit still better and focus on tasks at hand. Everyone is totally enamored with her over there and come running to greet her and get her beautiful smile and warm embraces when she enters. She also loves going and when we exit the freeway, she recognizes the street and starts getting very excited shouting, "Play! Play!" She knows exactly where we are going!

Uma is extremely well behaved, and I really don't have to do too many time outs anymore. She has a remarkable memory and extremely keen powers of observation. She is affectionate and loving, though she still needs alot of reassurance. She is in a mode now where she comes up to me and says, "baby" and points to herself. I will pick her up and rock her, or cradle her in my arms, or give her a bottle. She in turn will act like a little baby and will literally coos like a little infant. Either she has seen it somewhere, or somewhere inside, she remember what it was to be a little baby, and she asks to be that with me more and more as her awareness of who she is , and what she needs.

There are subtle things that she has learned to do such as choose what movie she wants to watch, or what dress she wants to put on. She can lay down quietly for a massage with her arms tucked under her chin, whereas she used to be all over the place and could not even sit still for 10 seconds, let alone lay on her tummy to let me massage her. She will say, "good" when she likes something, and "da dan" ("all done") if she does not want to do an activity anymore, or has has enough to eat She has learned that people and things have names (she used to not know this) and recognizes "Melmo" (Elmo) and "Cookie" (Cookie Monster) if she see them in magazines, or anywhere at all.

At night, Uma loves me to read her stories, though she does not have patience for reading the actual words. I make things up about the pictures on the page that I know that she can relate to and I have her interact with the characters (we will feed them if they are eating, or pick flowers if they are on the page, and we will smell them, or the bee will jump off the page and tickle her). She really looks forward to this part of bedtime, and so I have no trouble at all getting her to end any activity and come right to bed. I will say, "okay, its time for bed." She will look at me and say, "book?" And when I nod my head yes, that's all she needs! She will run and kiss Adhipen goodnight (she says, "night night, Daddy") and then take my hand saying "Mon" ("come on") and pull me into the bedroom! She knows how to brush her teeth (though I get a turn brushing her teeth too, and she gets a turn brushing mine) and recently, she has actually started spitting out to rinse (whereas she used to swallow). After our story, she says, "light off," and either falls asleep cuddling, or will go into her bed (which is still attached to ours) and hold my hand as she falls asleep. Sometimes I have work on the computer or things to do and so I will tell her, "Mommy will come later." She gets disappointed and points to my side of the bed and says firmly, "there, there!" But when I tell her I can't she lets it go and goes to sleep on her own.

We consider ourselves extremely, extremely blessed to have Uma in our lives. She is an extraordinarily sweet soul, very eager to please, very, very bright and remarkably courageous. Everyday Adhipen and I remark on the miracle of how she found us and we found her. What an amazing blessing!

Happy Birthday, Uma!

Uma turned two on April 1 and April 2 marked our three months with Uma. The time has gone so very quickly. Uma is beginning to say alot more words now, and her comprehension is amazing!
She has chosen a book that she has me read to her each night before bed. It is the first time she is showing any interest in any book. I don't remember the name of it, but it is about babies and their mothers and the baby asks the mother, "do you love me, Mama?" Uma does not have the patience for the text because she does not yet understand the words, but she loves to have me point to the mother and say, "mama" and then to the baby and say, "baby." At the end of the book, I point to myself and say, "mama" and then to her and say, "baby." She also points to other items on the page and wants to know what they are. Once in a while, she will attempt to repeat the word. She just loves this book and has me read it to her again and again. She also loves to lay down in bed and cuddle and read this book. I really don't know how she knew to do that because she is the one who initiated it, but she loves to do that just before we turn out the lights. This has now replaced our old bedtime ritual of our playing with her musical toy before laying down.
Her sister, Ishana, is coming day after tomorrow. I have taken the week off of work (though my checkbook is not too happy about that!) and we are going to spend the time together as a family in nature. We will first go down to Encinitas to the Self Realization Center and Half Moon Bay, and then then next day we will go to Lake Cuyamaca and spend a couple of days there. If there is time on the way back we will go to the Wild Animal Park in Escondido.
Adhipen and I are all really looking forward to seeing Ishana. I have a secret worry in my heart about it, however. Ishana will only be here two weeks and then she goes home. While the three of us understand that Ishana lives elsewhere, I doubt that we can convey that to Uma. I just hope that when Ishana leaves, Uma does not interpret it as another person leaving her, which is what has happened to her all of her life up to now. She has not quite adapted to my going to work and has become much more clingy on the days we are together. She cannot stand it if I go into the next room! Other mothers tell me that their children were this way, and they were together since birth! So given that, overall, I think that Uma is doing amazingly well!

Uma is growing in all ways!

Today is the first day when I have been able to sit down and update. Uma is taking a nap after a lovely outing with Daddy and me. Adhipen took the afternoon off to take us out. Uma was really excited about it and kept pointing to him and smiling at me as if to say, "hey, looks who is with us today!"

There really alot to update on how Uma is growing and changing each day. I will try to just hit the highlights...

The thing I had been worried about since the time we returned with Uma has come...my returning to work. I had postponed it one month as I was supposed to go back originally on Feb 12, but Uma was just not ready. One month later, though I feel she could have used another month, I felt she could handle it, and so I bit the bullet and went back on March 11. I only work on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but even two days is alot for us right now. My parents take care of her on Tuedays, and she has a loving and caring nanny, Berta, who comes to take care of her on Saturdays. Berta is also the nanny for Debbie, who I share office space with at work, so it feels like she is already "in the family," since I consider Oasis (the healing center where I work), and the people who work there my second family. :)

Uma does cry for a very short while when I leave, but for both my parents and for Berta, Uma is an absolute angel! She never complains to have her diaper or clothes changed, lets them wash her face and hands with no fuss whatsoever, and goes down for her nap as soon as they put her in the bed. At my parents' when she wakes up, she actually waits for my mother to come get her (my mother has a monitor, so she can tell when Uma is awake). She eats every morsel of food that they give her and goes "ca ca" on the toilet. She does everything she is told, and does not fuss, tantrum or say her favorite word, which is "no." . Needless to say, this is not the Uma I get to see everyday, but my mother says that this is a good sign - that Uma feels secure enough with us to be a true two year old! With them, she is a two year old going on 10.

While she handles the day amazingly, she does have a melt down or two with me in the evening and/or the next day. She runs to me with sheer joy when I come home, but then later, she begins to remember that she is angry with me for leaving her, and lets me know it! Each progressive day, however, she gets better about it, especially as she is coming to trust that I do come back.

Uma has started to say some words, which has really made life a bit easier for us both. In addition to a very clear "no," which she says while she also points and shakes her finger, "no," she can now, at least, nod her head "yes." This makes it so much easier to ask her what she is needing...jacket, water, food, etc. She also says "up"and "down" so she does not need to whine as much when she wants to be picked up or have something opened for her. She understands alot, and so in general, it is so much easier to communicate and get things done.

Uma and I have been doing a Mommy and Me class on Monday mornings, which Uma really enjoys. She especially likes the art section and takes alot of pride in her work. I love to display her art work on the fridge and point it out to her periodically, and she smiles with pride, remembering who make the artwork. I especially love the class because they taught us the "clean up" song, which I now sing anytime I want Uma to put away her toys. Since she learned to do it in class, she now does it with as much alacrity as she does class. That alone, for me, made the class worthwhile!

Recently, Uma was approved for the Regional Center. This is a government paid program, called "Early Start Intervention," that focuses on making sure that all children under the age of three are brought to age level and given services that they need so that by the time they enter preschool, they are able to function well. I had learned about the Regional Center through one of the mom's yahoo groups and so I submitted our application almost as soon as we got off the plane in January. Uma will be receiving speech therapy two times a week, and yesterday I took her for an evaluation for occupational therapy. The therapist told me that she was going to recommend OT for Uma, as well as some other things. So it looks like Uma will be doing some sort of therapy every single day of the week for the next year! While it may seem like a heavy schedule, it will be really a good investment of time and it will benefit Uma for years to come. There will still be plenty of time for play in the park and lots of Mommy time too (I get to attend the therapies with her).

My mother and sisters-in-law, Corinne and Nicole, threw us a toddler shower a few weeks ago. Uma now has a wardrobe that can match Suri Cruise! I have yet to write the thank you notes, but am hoping to squeeze in some time this weekend during breaks at work. There were about 40 people there with all eyes on Uma. None of us could believe how well behaved and patient she was with the whole thing. Once I started opening the gifts and she got her hands on the baby stroller and doll that our friend, Sylvia, gave her, she was entertained for the rest of the time. To this day, we take her "baby" out for a stroll at least three afternoons a week. She just loves it!

Our big upcoming excitement is that Uma's sister, Ishana (Adhipen's daughter and my stepdaughter) will be coming to see Uma on April 5th. She will be here two weeks for her spring holiday. We are all extremely excited! Jaredan is concerned that Uma will "like" Ishana more than him because Ishana is a girl. Still, he will also be glad to see her. For Adhipen, it will be something really special to have his two "princesses" together with him. I am a bit tormented about all of Uma's therapies, my work, etc., and whether we should miss , or some of it, for this special time or not, but I keep telling myself that I will worry about it later....somehow it will all fall into place.

Uma had her full check up with her pediatrician who gave her a 100% bill of health. She told me that she thought Uma's teeth were extraordinarily good, but for all the yogurt Uma eats (plain yogurt is Uma's ice cream!) I was not surprised!

Uma is an amazing climber! She is courageous and experiences sheer joy when she accomplishes a task that was difficult. There is not a slide at any park we have gone to that Uma has not mastered! Some of them are quite high, and I stand behind her, ready to catch her if she slips as she climbs bars meant for much older children. But she is sure footed and strong and she makes it up over and over again. When she is done with all of her other therapy and the like, I will definitely put her in gymnastics class. She is absolutely talented!

Uma loves to listen to and watch Tamil dance scenes. She loves it so much that I allow her to watch the dance DVDs that I have whenever we are driving in the car (we have a special DVD player for her just for this purpose). When Adhipen's parents come, I will ask them to bring some Baratha Natyam DVDs for Uma. What is particularly interesting is that Uma seems to prefer the Tamil. Whenever I put on the Hindi movie/dance DVDs she seems disinterested. Who knows?! I am going to start playing some belly dance DVDs for her to see if that appeals. She and I definitely share the love of Tamil music/dance. I wonder if she and I will share that other love of mine?

We all cannot believe what an amazing and deep spirit Uma is. She is extraordinarly intelligent, extremely present and alert, and for all she has been through, she is an extremely happy baby. Sometimes she laughs with a joy that literally causes the room to light up with sunlight! When Adhipen plays spirtual music, she often goes into some sort of estatic state, with her eyes closed, swaying her body and clapping her hands with a big smile on her face. Othertimes, she starts to spin and spin, just like a whirling Dervish, which Adhipen and I are now convinced, was probably one of this very old soul's experiences. She especially loves Adhipen's music, "Cave of the Siddhars." She and Adhipen have connected through the listening and dancing to spiritual music in a very special way.

Each day we come to know each other more and more. At this point, only a few months later, I actually cannot remember my life as it was without her.

More Photos!

It is just past midnight, and so I missed the mark for March 2, but I wanted to post these. It is two months that we have been with Uma, as of March 2. Each day I am so grateful that she is in our life and I awe at how we found each other. She is so much our daughter!

Trip Up North

Uma and I went to Northern CA last week, and I have not yet had a chance to post about it.
It always astounds me how Uma seems to know what is going on. She saw the packed bags, and I did tell her we were taking a trip, and boy, she really got it! She was extremely excited and kept reaching out to hold my hand throughout the drive. I got a nice crick in my shoulder from all the reaching back, but it was totally worth it!

She was just wonderful on the long (about 6 hours each way) car rides. She barely slept. I guess she was just too excited!

First we met her Malar Atay ("Aunt Malar" in Tamil), Adhipen's sister. Uma took to Malar right away. Part of Malar's secret was that she gave Uma pizza, and in doing so, she unknowingly became Uma's good friend immediately!

What I was really surprised about was how Uma also took to her Krishna Mama ("Uncle Krishna" in Tamil). She immediately was taken with him and played with him. Even sitting next to us, something about him really calmed her, and she sat on my lap quietly hugging me for about a half hour. Normally she is a real" squirmy wormy" and won't sit hugging for more than a minute, so this was definitely significant. Uma met her Krishna Mama on Saturday at a brunch that Nicole held. I was thinking that it was because Krishna is dark skinned and clean shaven, and so he looks familiar to her, but Malar says that he is a virtual pied piper with children and that was what it was. Whatever it was, it was a first for Uma, as far as I had ever seen!

Uma also really loved her cousin Aidan. Aidan is very athletic, and unbeknownst to me, Uma is actually quite athletic herself. He played football with her, and basketball (ala nerf style) and she just loved it! So much so that I went to target and bought her the same nerf football and basketball set that Aidan had. She liked to just "hang out" with him and even copied him when he played the piano. It was so adorable! What is interesting is that she has not seemed as interested in the football or basketball since the trip, so I actually think it was her cousin, and not the activities, that had her especially enchanted.

One of the days, one my my mother's dearest friends, Louise, came to see Uma with her daugher, Devora (who I remember going to visit when she was born) and Devora's one year old daughter, Sonia. The children played together (sort of) as best that children that age can.

Uma also really bonded with her Auntie Nicole and so thankfully, Nicole could take care of her while I was packing to go. That was a huge help!!

Uma was more hesitant with her Uncle Craig, being a man, and gave him her typical response that she does with men, including her dad: somewhat of a cold shoulder, but at the same time interest.

One day, for no reason whatsoever, Uma began to cry and hold me whenever Craig came in the room. Craig felt really bad, and I was nonplussed. I could not figure out what had elicited this reaction, which was exactly like the reaction she had to Adhipen the first time she met him in the orphanage. At first I would comfort her when it happened, but when I did, something in me did not feel good about it. Part of me was thinking, "this is a baby, she can't help herself," and the other part of me was thinking, "she needs to be taught that this is not an appropriate reaction, and I am not doing the proper teaching here." Finally the latter won out, and I decided to see if I could do something about the behavior. It was really a risk because if she did not understand, then I would feel guilty that I had confused her rather than comfort her if she was truly scared. Also, I was afraid of suppressing her feelings. Still, I felt uncomfortable with her reaction and even if it was genuine fear, I decided to follow my intuitive feeling about it, and see if I could change what was going on. I decided to treat her reaction like I do any behavior that I want to change...do a "time in" (which I call a "time out" to her) with Uma. (As an aside, our form of "time out," what I call, "time in," is my secluding myself with Uma, sitting her down, doing "holding" if she starts to tantrum, and otherwise gently continuing to sit her down if she gets up. I explain why we are doing a time out, and then I let her "cry" as long as she needs to while I sit next to her, sometimes patting her back if she will let me. When the crying has dulled to a certain point, I reach out my arms to her and, if she is done, she will crawl into them and we will hug. I tell her I love her and reassure her that she is a "good girl" and then we go back to "redo" whatever the behavior was that we were doing the time out for. I only do "time in" when Uma has done a behavior that she can then repeat correctly when we are done - I don't do it just for the sake of "punishment.")

When Craig came into the room again and she started her crying, he was about to run out and I this time I told him not to. I told Uma that this was her Uncle and that we were going to have to do a time out if she continued to act this way towards him. She kept crying so I took her back to our room and sat her on the bed. As usual with a "time in", she tried to get up and I kept sitting her down and telling her that we were doing a time out. She started to cry again, as she does not like to be told that she has to do anything that she does not want to (like sitting when she wants to go). I then told her that we would not go back into the house until she calmed herself down and could act properly towards her Uncle. I then validated her fear and told her that being afraid of people she did not know was all right and I do understand when she is afraid why she is afraid. I talked about this for a while. Then I told her that when she sees me kiss someone that this means that the person is someone she need not be afraid of. I explained that her Uncle loves me and he loves her too and it is not right to behave this way towards someone who loves us.

Half of my mind was wondering if she had a clue what I was saying, but she did calm down. We then hugged, as we do after every "time in", and I can tell by the way she hugs and if she makes eye contact after that, if she is really done. She was finished, and so we went back to the kitchen where Craig was. As soon as we entered the room, Uma smiled at him and sat down to eat her dinner. He sat across from her and they smiled at each other the whole time. There was never a problem after that, and by the end of the trip, Uma was playing with him and even sat on his lap a few times.

I realized after incident that that Uma really does understand alot more than I give her credit for. I have since been talking to her clearly and as if she understands everything. I don't know if she does or she doesn't, but I am doing it anyway.

We both had a wonderful time up North. It was a short but really memorable four days. My birthday was on Sunday, and I was so delighted to have been able to spend it with Craig, who I hardly ever see on my birthday. It was really special in so many ways.

Cousin Jaredan

It is really so cute how Jaredan has attached to Uma, I wanted to write about it. He really looks after her, makes time to play with her, makes special play dates with her, and really wants to make her laugh. She is also bonding with Kanan and laughs hysterically at the things he does, whatever they may be. Last night, we were at my parents' house and the kids were playing together alone for a while. She is really becoming much more confident at play with others and has really made some breakthroughs this week in terms of her social skills, sharing with others and playing with other kids. The people in our Mommy and Me class also have noticed it.
I have been able to leave her alone with the Nanny a few hours without her getting upset. So it does look like I will be able to go back to work March 11, as planned. Right now, as I type this, Uma is at the park playing with her Nanny, Berta.
She has also really bonded with Adhipen now and enjoys playing with him and having him carry her. She is definitely on her way to being a true "Daddy's Girl!"
Next week, Adhipen goes for his annual Sivarathri pilgrimage, and so, to distract her from her routine, I am going to take a trip with her to Northern California to visit Adhipen's sister and family and my brother, Craig and family. She will get to meet her cousin, Aidan. Jaredan was a bit miffed that he could not come too, but he realized he had school, and so he accepted it. He really is such an amazing boy - so sensitive and mature. I know that as Uma grows, she is going to absolutely adore him, especially because he gives her so much special time now.

More Photos!

Today is exactly one month that we have been together. We have all come a long way in such a short time!

Small Things are Big Milestones

Each day Uma seems to be getting more secure and more adjusted to her life here. She still has tremendous anxiety about being left somewhere, but it has improved as compared to the beginning.

To me, one of the most significant signs that she was beginning to feel safer is that now, if she falls asleep in the car, and it is time for actual sleep (naptime or bedtime) she will sleep on my shoulder when I carry her up, and stay asleep when I put her in bed. It used to be that if she fell asleep. The moment the car had stopped, she would be wide awake to see where she was and she would not go to sleep again on my shoulder. It was as if she wanted to make sure where she was being taken and hypervigilant about not being left somewhere. Now she trusts enough to stay asleep, and that, to me is a big deal!

She also has finally started to attach to the security blanket I got for her to attach to. It is a little satin doggie/blanket and has two flat rubber paws that she can bite on (which she likes to do). It is small enough to carry and soft, though not especially "little girlish" but definitely fits the bill. I bought several because I found I was having trouble remembering to bring the doggie and often had to go all the way back up to the house to get it. So now we have one for my mom's, and one for the car, which I also put in the stroller. Uma used to totally ignore it, then she would discard it. Now she holds it and tonight, when we were leaving the car, she pointed to it (the car version) to remind me to take it. When she went to bed, she was hugging itin one hand, and holding my hand in the other, while falling asleep.

Uma also now will allow me to stoke her back or her chest as she falls asleep, and she like me to sing to her. Initially, she would push me away if I did this, and cover my mouth when I sang. I would stop for that night, but then the next night and day for nap, I would persist. Now, she will actually place my hand on her chest, and touch my mouth to tell me to rub her and sing. I sing the song, "Edleweiss" from Sound of Music. I really need to learn a new one, though she seems to like it. She used to rock her head back and forth to put herself to sleep. Now, she no longer does this, but has replaced it with my stroking and singing. I guess this is a good thing except it takes me alot longer to get her to sleep than when she did it herself with her head rocking!

For the most part, she sleeps totally through the night soundly now, without even moving much. Occasionally, like tonight, she seems to have bad dreams, and will cry in her sleep, or crawl into my arms. I was typing this when I heard her crying. I went into the bedroom and she was still asleep, but in the spot where I sleep. I rubbed her back and held her, and then she leaned back to go to sleep in her bed.

Pizza is another milestone in my book! This little girl would not eat any American food at all, and initally, I had given her pizza and she would not eat it. Now, pizza is her all time favorite food. She could probablly eat a whole pizza on her own if I would let her! I literally have to limit how much of it she eats! We went to Govinda's the other day, which has both Indian food (the rice and dal that she is used to) and pizza. I offered her first the rice and dal, but she was eyeing her cousin Jaredan's pizza, and she turned down the rice and dal. I gave her some pizza, and that was it! She would probably eat pizza breakfast, lunch and dinner if I would let her! She still will not eat a hamburger, but we will work her up to that! :)

Learning to Be a Family

I keep getting e-mails from people asking me when I am going to update the blog, and really I have been wanting to, but sleep time is precious and now that I don't have jet lag those late night updates are just not happening....
So today, I am sacrificing my nap (badly needed) to be able to update.

Uma has been here over a week and a half now, and has been with us since January 2. The change in her has been amazing! She gained 5 pounds and grew and inch since we took her to the embassy doctor! Her eyes, which were dull when we first picked her up, now have the most beautiful sparkle!

She had her first visit with the pediatrician a few years ago. She was given a clean bill of health, and is now, with her sudden weight gain and growth, is in the 40 percentile of her age. The only issue is that she is pretty anemic, which I saw she was in her initial medical reports. So we have to put her on iron drops for the next month. I have been feeding her iron rich foods, which, as long as they are not green, and as long as I can hide them in plain yogurt, she eats willingly. Anything green, she will shake her head "no" vehemently, so that does limit alot of the iron foods, but she will eat spinich pancakes, as long as I dip them first in her yogurt. I should invest in stocks in Pavel's yogurt company for all the yogurt this little girl eats!

She has taken to Adhipen now and calls him, "Da" Last night, she and I came home from my parent's house and as soon as I opened the door, she called, "Da, Hi!" Unfortunately, Adhipen was not there, but he did come home while she took her bath. She will still not stay with him alone if I am not in the room, but today at the park, she let him play with her and chase her. She is truly on her way to becoming a serious "Daddy's girl." :)

Uma responds to her name now. And will smile at passerbys while she sits with me in the park or if we are out somewhere. She still is relatively shy if she is introduced to people directly, but will eventually warm up, and if the person is a woman, she will eventually let them hold her and play with her.

We had our first "play date" the other day. A lovely woman named Alberta, who I met from Peachhead, invited me over to her house to teach me how to put Uma in the carrier in the back. I did learn her technique, though I still need to practice it. I am tempted to simply buy a hard carrier that I can just lift her in and save myself the strife. Anyway, Alberta has two daughters, Mia and Georgia, who is almost Uma's age. They were extremely nice to us, and by the end of the evening, Uma was playing in Alberta's lap, though looking over at me periodically. Letting her play in other's arms is technically against the advice I have been given, but a part of me is torn because I love that she is able to receive love and attention and want her to enjoy it. Well, tomorrow we are going to Ventura to meet with the attachement therapist I have been consulting with, and I will ask her about it.

Uma has also bonded with my mother, and with her 8 year old cousin, Jaredan, who is just wild about her. It is so adorable to watch how he takes care of her, plays with her and tries to teach her. He is so sensitive to her and so observant about her. I want to try to encourage that bond as well. She recognizes my father and smiles at him, but still will not go to him, or any man other than Adhipen for that matter. Maybe that is a good thing that we should try to keep going! It could save us alot of aggravation in her teen years. :)

Each day is a new learning for me, as a mother and a person. This little being is so totally dependent on me, and yet she has her own mind and her own being that she very much wishes to assert at her near 2 years. I am starting to learn to flow with her, predict her needs and figure out how to get along with her. For example, she had been crying and having tantrums before naps, and especially before bed. I tried changing her nap/bed times, skipping naps, and found that she definitely needed the nap, and definitely needed a decently early bed time. The more tired she was, the worse it was.

In my gut, I just don't like the "let them cry themselves to sleep" approach, especially because I am sure she did this alone for many years, and I am not sure that it is at all conducive to attachment. I was not leaving her alone anyway, but this was not the issue. I finally figured out that she needed more of a transition time than I had been giving her, and that was the issue. Now, I turn the lights out (but for our night light) and hold her standing for a while rubbing her back and speaking to her. Then I turn on this musical thing she has in her crib, which I bought from another Peachhead mom, and start acting very interested in it (still standing outside the crib). I start looking and acting surprised that it lights up and plays music. Then she will reach out to be put in bed so she can play with it. Then I come next to her and we roll the balls it has attached to for a while and I point out the sea animals. Then I say in Hindi, "sleep now," and lay down to pretend I am asleep. She, on her own, switches the music on this thing to be the sound of waves, and will play a bit with her stuffed animals. She will then either come lay in my arms, or hold my hand, or tap on my shoulder to cover her. We smile at each other as she lays down, and then she goes to sleep on her own. What a difference this was from the screaming we had just a week ago!

She is learning each day...about the joys of swinging on a swing, the feelings of contentment of having a mommy and daddy hold her and kiss her at the same time, the soft touch of a cat rubbing against her, and so many, many things. And we are learning too, about how to dance together in this life, how to love and respect a little child and how to be loving parents.

I am also learning how not to nag Adhipen too much to get those photos uploaded so I can post some more!

Method for Attachment

I am posting this for all to see as it summarizes what I have been advised by experts as well as what I learned in my own studying before Uma got here. This is, more or less, the approach we are taking with her. I am putting it out there in hopes of getting support from everyone. It is amazing how much advice I started getting, from the very beginning. It is sort of crazy making because the advice often conflicts with what I learned, and yet, in wanting to be a good parent, I sometimes feel confused as to what is "best."
I am pretty much following the below guidelines, with a bit of intuition mixed in there. They were written by Beth McCann, a parent from the Reactive Attachment Forum. She mentions that she had them "approved" by Daniel Hughes, whose books I read, and loved, before Uma got here, and who is considered the "Guru" in the area of attachment and attachment disorder.

Here they are:

1. YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.
2. YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.
3. KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.
4. BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.
5. A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.
6. WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.
7. NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.
8. DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!
9. ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!
10. SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!
11. SING, SING, SING!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!
12. ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"
13. EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!
14. EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.
15. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.
16. GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!
17. KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.
18. PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.
19. FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.
20. HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.
21. IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.
I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!
Beth McCannBAMcCann@AOL.COMBucksport, ME
Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.
This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.

Days of Fear and Joy

We are so badly hit with jetlag that it, so far, has been next to impossible to start a normal routine. My suitcases are still half unpacked and the house is in shambles! When Uma sleeps, so do I. There is not really a question of doing chores when she is awake, and when she sleeps, I take alittle time to check mails, and pick up about 15 minutes, and then I go to bed too. I need all the rest I can get! From my pre-Uma reading, it was suggested that one not worry about the house in the beginning, and this is what I am trying to do. It is just too difficult to do anything at all with Uma in my arms constantly. She cannot bear to have me even a few feet away, her anxiety at being left is so great. It is just heartwrenching.

We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.

During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.

Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.

Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!