Trip Up North

Uma and I went to Northern CA last week, and I have not yet had a chance to post about it.
It always astounds me how Uma seems to know what is going on. She saw the packed bags, and I did tell her we were taking a trip, and boy, she really got it! She was extremely excited and kept reaching out to hold my hand throughout the drive. I got a nice crick in my shoulder from all the reaching back, but it was totally worth it!

She was just wonderful on the long (about 6 hours each way) car rides. She barely slept. I guess she was just too excited!

First we met her Malar Atay ("Aunt Malar" in Tamil), Adhipen's sister. Uma took to Malar right away. Part of Malar's secret was that she gave Uma pizza, and in doing so, she unknowingly became Uma's good friend immediately!

What I was really surprised about was how Uma also took to her Krishna Mama ("Uncle Krishna" in Tamil). She immediately was taken with him and played with him. Even sitting next to us, something about him really calmed her, and she sat on my lap quietly hugging me for about a half hour. Normally she is a real" squirmy wormy" and won't sit hugging for more than a minute, so this was definitely significant. Uma met her Krishna Mama on Saturday at a brunch that Nicole held. I was thinking that it was because Krishna is dark skinned and clean shaven, and so he looks familiar to her, but Malar says that he is a virtual pied piper with children and that was what it was. Whatever it was, it was a first for Uma, as far as I had ever seen!

Uma also really loved her cousin Aidan. Aidan is very athletic, and unbeknownst to me, Uma is actually quite athletic herself. He played football with her, and basketball (ala nerf style) and she just loved it! So much so that I went to target and bought her the same nerf football and basketball set that Aidan had. She liked to just "hang out" with him and even copied him when he played the piano. It was so adorable! What is interesting is that she has not seemed as interested in the football or basketball since the trip, so I actually think it was her cousin, and not the activities, that had her especially enchanted.

One of the days, one my my mother's dearest friends, Louise, came to see Uma with her daugher, Devora (who I remember going to visit when she was born) and Devora's one year old daughter, Sonia. The children played together (sort of) as best that children that age can.

Uma also really bonded with her Auntie Nicole and so thankfully, Nicole could take care of her while I was packing to go. That was a huge help!!

Uma was more hesitant with her Uncle Craig, being a man, and gave him her typical response that she does with men, including her dad: somewhat of a cold shoulder, but at the same time interest.

One day, for no reason whatsoever, Uma began to cry and hold me whenever Craig came in the room. Craig felt really bad, and I was nonplussed. I could not figure out what had elicited this reaction, which was exactly like the reaction she had to Adhipen the first time she met him in the orphanage. At first I would comfort her when it happened, but when I did, something in me did not feel good about it. Part of me was thinking, "this is a baby, she can't help herself," and the other part of me was thinking, "she needs to be taught that this is not an appropriate reaction, and I am not doing the proper teaching here." Finally the latter won out, and I decided to see if I could do something about the behavior. It was really a risk because if she did not understand, then I would feel guilty that I had confused her rather than comfort her if she was truly scared. Also, I was afraid of suppressing her feelings. Still, I felt uncomfortable with her reaction and even if it was genuine fear, I decided to follow my intuitive feeling about it, and see if I could change what was going on. I decided to treat her reaction like I do any behavior that I want to change...do a "time in" (which I call a "time out" to her) with Uma. (As an aside, our form of "time out," what I call, "time in," is my secluding myself with Uma, sitting her down, doing "holding" if she starts to tantrum, and otherwise gently continuing to sit her down if she gets up. I explain why we are doing a time out, and then I let her "cry" as long as she needs to while I sit next to her, sometimes patting her back if she will let me. When the crying has dulled to a certain point, I reach out my arms to her and, if she is done, she will crawl into them and we will hug. I tell her I love her and reassure her that she is a "good girl" and then we go back to "redo" whatever the behavior was that we were doing the time out for. I only do "time in" when Uma has done a behavior that she can then repeat correctly when we are done - I don't do it just for the sake of "punishment.")

When Craig came into the room again and she started her crying, he was about to run out and I this time I told him not to. I told Uma that this was her Uncle and that we were going to have to do a time out if she continued to act this way towards him. She kept crying so I took her back to our room and sat her on the bed. As usual with a "time in", she tried to get up and I kept sitting her down and telling her that we were doing a time out. She started to cry again, as she does not like to be told that she has to do anything that she does not want to (like sitting when she wants to go). I then told her that we would not go back into the house until she calmed herself down and could act properly towards her Uncle. I then validated her fear and told her that being afraid of people she did not know was all right and I do understand when she is afraid why she is afraid. I talked about this for a while. Then I told her that when she sees me kiss someone that this means that the person is someone she need not be afraid of. I explained that her Uncle loves me and he loves her too and it is not right to behave this way towards someone who loves us.

Half of my mind was wondering if she had a clue what I was saying, but she did calm down. We then hugged, as we do after every "time in", and I can tell by the way she hugs and if she makes eye contact after that, if she is really done. She was finished, and so we went back to the kitchen where Craig was. As soon as we entered the room, Uma smiled at him and sat down to eat her dinner. He sat across from her and they smiled at each other the whole time. There was never a problem after that, and by the end of the trip, Uma was playing with him and even sat on his lap a few times.

I realized after incident that that Uma really does understand alot more than I give her credit for. I have since been talking to her clearly and as if she understands everything. I don't know if she does or she doesn't, but I am doing it anyway.

We both had a wonderful time up North. It was a short but really memorable four days. My birthday was on Sunday, and I was so delighted to have been able to spend it with Craig, who I hardly ever see on my birthday. It was really special in so many ways.