Today is the first day when I have been able to sit down and update. Uma is taking a nap after a lovely outing with Daddy and me. Adhipen took the afternoon off to take us out. Uma was really excited about it and kept pointing to him and smiling at me as if to say, "hey, looks who is with us today!"
There really alot to update on how Uma is growing and changing each day. I will try to just hit the highlights...
The thing I had been worried about since the time we returned with Uma has come...my returning to work. I had postponed it one month as I was supposed to go back originally on Feb 12, but Uma was just not ready. One month later, though I feel she could have used another month, I felt she could handle it, and so I bit the bullet and went back on March 11. I only work on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but even two days is alot for us right now. My parents take care of her on Tuedays, and she has a loving and caring nanny, Berta, who comes to take care of her on Saturdays. Berta is also the nanny for Debbie, who I share office space with at work, so it feels like she is already "in the family," since I consider Oasis (the healing center where I work), and the people who work there my second family. :)
Uma does cry for a very short while when I leave, but for both my parents and for Berta, Uma is an absolute angel! She never complains to have her diaper or clothes changed, lets them wash her face and hands with no fuss whatsoever, and goes down for her nap as soon as they put her in the bed. At my parents' when she wakes up, she actually waits for my mother to come get her (my mother has a monitor, so she can tell when Uma is awake). She eats every morsel of food that they give her and goes "ca ca" on the toilet. She does everything she is told, and does not fuss, tantrum or say her favorite word, which is "no." . Needless to say, this is not the Uma I get to see everyday, but my mother says that this is a good sign - that Uma feels secure enough with us to be a true two year old! With them, she is a two year old going on 10.
While she handles the day amazingly, she does have a melt down or two with me in the evening and/or the next day. She runs to me with sheer joy when I come home, but then later, she begins to remember that she is angry with me for leaving her, and lets me know it! Each progressive day, however, she gets better about it, especially as she is coming to trust that I do come back.
Uma has started to say some words, which has really made life a bit easier for us both. In addition to a very clear "no," which she says while she also points and shakes her finger, "no," she can now, at least, nod her head "yes." This makes it so much easier to ask her what she is needing...jacket, water, food, etc. She also says "up"and "down" so she does not need to whine as much when she wants to be picked up or have something opened for her. She understands alot, and so in general, it is so much easier to communicate and get things done.
Uma and I have been doing a Mommy and Me class on Monday mornings, which Uma really enjoys. She especially likes the art section and takes alot of pride in her work. I love to display her art work on the fridge and point it out to her periodically, and she smiles with pride, remembering who make the artwork. I especially love the class because they taught us the "clean up" song, which I now sing anytime I want Uma to put away her toys. Since she learned to do it in class, she now does it with as much alacrity as she does class. That alone, for me, made the class worthwhile!
Recently, Uma was approved for the Regional Center. This is a government paid program, called "Early Start Intervention," that focuses on making sure that all children under the age of three are brought to age level and given services that they need so that by the time they enter preschool, they are able to function well. I had learned about the Regional Center through one of the mom's yahoo groups and so I submitted our application almost as soon as we got off the plane in January. Uma will be receiving speech therapy two times a week, and yesterday I took her for an evaluation for occupational therapy. The therapist told me that she was going to recommend OT for Uma, as well as some other things. So it looks like Uma will be doing some sort of therapy every single day of the week for the next year! While it may seem like a heavy schedule, it will be really a good investment of time and it will benefit Uma for years to come. There will still be plenty of time for play in the park and lots of Mommy time too (I get to attend the therapies with her).
My mother and sisters-in-law, Corinne and Nicole, threw us a toddler shower a few weeks ago. Uma now has a wardrobe that can match Suri Cruise! I have yet to write the thank you notes, but am hoping to squeeze in some time this weekend during breaks at work. There were about 40 people there with all eyes on Uma. None of us could believe how well behaved and patient she was with the whole thing. Once I started opening the gifts and she got her hands on the baby stroller and doll that our friend, Sylvia, gave her, she was entertained for the rest of the time. To this day, we take her "baby" out for a stroll at least three afternoons a week. She just loves it!
Our big upcoming excitement is that Uma's sister, Ishana (Adhipen's daughter and my stepdaughter) will be coming to see Uma on April 5th. She will be here two weeks for her spring holiday. We are all extremely excited! Jaredan is concerned that Uma will "like" Ishana more than him because Ishana is a girl. Still, he will also be glad to see her. For Adhipen, it will be something really special to have his two "princesses" together with him. I am a bit tormented about all of Uma's therapies, my work, etc., and whether we should miss , or some of it, for this special time or not, but I keep telling myself that I will worry about it later....somehow it will all fall into place.
Uma had her full check up with her pediatrician who gave her a 100% bill of health. She told me that she thought Uma's teeth were extraordinarily good, but for all the yogurt Uma eats (plain yogurt is Uma's ice cream!) I was not surprised!
Uma is an amazing climber! She is courageous and experiences sheer joy when she accomplishes a task that was difficult. There is not a slide at any park we have gone to that Uma has not mastered! Some of them are quite high, and I stand behind her, ready to catch her if she slips as she climbs bars meant for much older children. But she is sure footed and strong and she makes it up over and over again. When she is done with all of her other therapy and the like, I will definitely put her in gymnastics class. She is absolutely talented!
Uma loves to listen to and watch Tamil dance scenes. She loves it so much that I allow her to watch the dance DVDs that I have whenever we are driving in the car (we have a special DVD player for her just for this purpose). When Adhipen's parents come, I will ask them to bring some Baratha Natyam DVDs for Uma. What is particularly interesting is that Uma seems to prefer the Tamil. Whenever I put on the Hindi movie/dance DVDs she seems disinterested. Who knows?! I am going to start playing some belly dance DVDs for her to see if that appeals. She and I definitely share the love of Tamil music/dance. I wonder if she and I will share that other love of mine?
We all cannot believe what an amazing and deep spirit Uma is. She is extraordinarly intelligent, extremely present and alert, and for all she has been through, she is an extremely happy baby. Sometimes she laughs with a joy that literally causes the room to light up with sunlight! When Adhipen plays spirtual music, she often goes into some sort of estatic state, with her eyes closed, swaying her body and clapping her hands with a big smile on her face. Othertimes, she starts to spin and spin, just like a whirling Dervish, which Adhipen and I are now convinced, was probably one of this very old soul's experiences. She especially loves Adhipen's music, "Cave of the Siddhars." She and Adhipen have connected through the listening and dancing to spiritual music in a very special way.
Each day we come to know each other more and more. At this point, only a few months later, I actually cannot remember my life as it was without her.
Mar 21, 2008
Mar 3, 2008
More Photos!
It is just past midnight, and so I missed the mark for March 2, but I wanted to post these. It is two months that we have been with Uma, as of March 2. Each day I am so grateful that she is in our life and I awe at how we found each other. She is so much our daughter!
Mar 1, 2008
Trip Up North
Uma and I went to Northern CA last week, and I have not yet had a chance to post about it.
It always astounds me how Uma seems to know what is going on. She saw the packed bags, and I did tell her we were taking a trip, and boy, she really got it! She was extremely excited and kept reaching out to hold my hand throughout the drive. I got a nice crick in my shoulder from all the reaching back, but it was totally worth it!
She was just wonderful on the long (about 6 hours each way) car rides. She barely slept. I guess she was just too excited!
First we met her Malar Atay ("Aunt Malar" in Tamil), Adhipen's sister. Uma took to Malar right away. Part of Malar's secret was that she gave Uma pizza, and in doing so, she unknowingly became Uma's good friend immediately!
What I was really surprised about was how Uma also took to her Krishna Mama ("Uncle Krishna" in Tamil). She immediately was taken with him and played with him. Even sitting next to us, something about him really calmed her, and she sat on my lap quietly hugging me for about a half hour. Normally she is a real" squirmy wormy" and won't sit hugging for more than a minute, so this was definitely significant. Uma met her Krishna Mama on Saturday at a brunch that Nicole held. I was thinking that it was because Krishna is dark skinned and clean shaven, and so he looks familiar to her, but Malar says that he is a virtual pied piper with children and that was what it was. Whatever it was, it was a first for Uma, as far as I had ever seen!
Uma also really loved her cousin Aidan. Aidan is very athletic, and unbeknownst to me, Uma is actually quite athletic herself. He played football with her, and basketball (ala nerf style) and she just loved it! So much so that I went to target and bought her the same nerf football and basketball set that Aidan had. She liked to just "hang out" with him and even copied him when he played the piano. It was so adorable! What is interesting is that she has not seemed as interested in the football or basketball since the trip, so I actually think it was her cousin, and not the activities, that had her especially enchanted.
One of the days, one my my mother's dearest friends, Louise, came to see Uma with her daugher, Devora (who I remember going to visit when she was born) and Devora's one year old daughter, Sonia. The children played together (sort of) as best that children that age can.
Uma also really bonded with her Auntie Nicole and so thankfully, Nicole could take care of her while I was packing to go. That was a huge help!!
Uma was more hesitant with her Uncle Craig, being a man, and gave him her typical response that she does with men, including her dad: somewhat of a cold shoulder, but at the same time interest.
One day, for no reason whatsoever, Uma began to cry and hold me whenever Craig came in the room. Craig felt really bad, and I was nonplussed. I could not figure out what had elicited this reaction, which was exactly like the reaction she had to Adhipen the first time she met him in the orphanage. At first I would comfort her when it happened, but when I did, something in me did not feel good about it. Part of me was thinking, "this is a baby, she can't help herself," and the other part of me was thinking, "she needs to be taught that this is not an appropriate reaction, and I am not doing the proper teaching here." Finally the latter won out, and I decided to see if I could do something about the behavior. It was really a risk because if she did not understand, then I would feel guilty that I had confused her rather than comfort her if she was truly scared. Also, I was afraid of suppressing her feelings. Still, I felt uncomfortable with her reaction and even if it was genuine fear, I decided to follow my intuitive feeling about it, and see if I could change what was going on. I decided to treat her reaction like I do any behavior that I want to change...do a "time in" (which I call a "time out" to her) with Uma. (As an aside, our form of "time out," what I call, "time in," is my secluding myself with Uma, sitting her down, doing "holding" if she starts to tantrum, and otherwise gently continuing to sit her down if she gets up. I explain why we are doing a time out, and then I let her "cry" as long as she needs to while I sit next to her, sometimes patting her back if she will let me. When the crying has dulled to a certain point, I reach out my arms to her and, if she is done, she will crawl into them and we will hug. I tell her I love her and reassure her that she is a "good girl" and then we go back to "redo" whatever the behavior was that we were doing the time out for. I only do "time in" when Uma has done a behavior that she can then repeat correctly when we are done - I don't do it just for the sake of "punishment.")
When Craig came into the room again and she started her crying, he was about to run out and I this time I told him not to. I told Uma that this was her Uncle and that we were going to have to do a time out if she continued to act this way towards him. She kept crying so I took her back to our room and sat her on the bed. As usual with a "time in", she tried to get up and I kept sitting her down and telling her that we were doing a time out. She started to cry again, as she does not like to be told that she has to do anything that she does not want to (like sitting when she wants to go). I then told her that we would not go back into the house until she calmed herself down and could act properly towards her Uncle. I then validated her fear and told her that being afraid of people she did not know was all right and I do understand when she is afraid why she is afraid. I talked about this for a while. Then I told her that when she sees me kiss someone that this means that the person is someone she need not be afraid of. I explained that her Uncle loves me and he loves her too and it is not right to behave this way towards someone who loves us.
Half of my mind was wondering if she had a clue what I was saying, but she did calm down. We then hugged, as we do after every "time in", and I can tell by the way she hugs and if she makes eye contact after that, if she is really done. She was finished, and so we went back to the kitchen where Craig was. As soon as we entered the room, Uma smiled at him and sat down to eat her dinner. He sat across from her and they smiled at each other the whole time. There was never a problem after that, and by the end of the trip, Uma was playing with him and even sat on his lap a few times.
I realized after incident that that Uma really does understand alot more than I give her credit for. I have since been talking to her clearly and as if she understands everything. I don't know if she does or she doesn't, but I am doing it anyway.
We both had a wonderful time up North. It was a short but really memorable four days. My birthday was on Sunday, and I was so delighted to have been able to spend it with Craig, who I hardly ever see on my birthday. It was really special in so many ways.
It always astounds me how Uma seems to know what is going on. She saw the packed bags, and I did tell her we were taking a trip, and boy, she really got it! She was extremely excited and kept reaching out to hold my hand throughout the drive. I got a nice crick in my shoulder from all the reaching back, but it was totally worth it!
She was just wonderful on the long (about 6 hours each way) car rides. She barely slept. I guess she was just too excited!
First we met her Malar Atay ("Aunt Malar" in Tamil), Adhipen's sister. Uma took to Malar right away. Part of Malar's secret was that she gave Uma pizza, and in doing so, she unknowingly became Uma's good friend immediately!
What I was really surprised about was how Uma also took to her Krishna Mama ("Uncle Krishna" in Tamil). She immediately was taken with him and played with him. Even sitting next to us, something about him really calmed her, and she sat on my lap quietly hugging me for about a half hour. Normally she is a real" squirmy wormy" and won't sit hugging for more than a minute, so this was definitely significant. Uma met her Krishna Mama on Saturday at a brunch that Nicole held. I was thinking that it was because Krishna is dark skinned and clean shaven, and so he looks familiar to her, but Malar says that he is a virtual pied piper with children and that was what it was. Whatever it was, it was a first for Uma, as far as I had ever seen!
Uma also really loved her cousin Aidan. Aidan is very athletic, and unbeknownst to me, Uma is actually quite athletic herself. He played football with her, and basketball (ala nerf style) and she just loved it! So much so that I went to target and bought her the same nerf football and basketball set that Aidan had. She liked to just "hang out" with him and even copied him when he played the piano. It was so adorable! What is interesting is that she has not seemed as interested in the football or basketball since the trip, so I actually think it was her cousin, and not the activities, that had her especially enchanted.
One of the days, one my my mother's dearest friends, Louise, came to see Uma with her daugher, Devora (who I remember going to visit when she was born) and Devora's one year old daughter, Sonia. The children played together (sort of) as best that children that age can.
Uma also really bonded with her Auntie Nicole and so thankfully, Nicole could take care of her while I was packing to go. That was a huge help!!
Uma was more hesitant with her Uncle Craig, being a man, and gave him her typical response that she does with men, including her dad: somewhat of a cold shoulder, but at the same time interest.
One day, for no reason whatsoever, Uma began to cry and hold me whenever Craig came in the room. Craig felt really bad, and I was nonplussed. I could not figure out what had elicited this reaction, which was exactly like the reaction she had to Adhipen the first time she met him in the orphanage. At first I would comfort her when it happened, but when I did, something in me did not feel good about it. Part of me was thinking, "this is a baby, she can't help herself," and the other part of me was thinking, "she needs to be taught that this is not an appropriate reaction, and I am not doing the proper teaching here." Finally the latter won out, and I decided to see if I could do something about the behavior. It was really a risk because if she did not understand, then I would feel guilty that I had confused her rather than comfort her if she was truly scared. Also, I was afraid of suppressing her feelings. Still, I felt uncomfortable with her reaction and even if it was genuine fear, I decided to follow my intuitive feeling about it, and see if I could change what was going on. I decided to treat her reaction like I do any behavior that I want to change...do a "time in" (which I call a "time out" to her) with Uma. (As an aside, our form of "time out," what I call, "time in," is my secluding myself with Uma, sitting her down, doing "holding" if she starts to tantrum, and otherwise gently continuing to sit her down if she gets up. I explain why we are doing a time out, and then I let her "cry" as long as she needs to while I sit next to her, sometimes patting her back if she will let me. When the crying has dulled to a certain point, I reach out my arms to her and, if she is done, she will crawl into them and we will hug. I tell her I love her and reassure her that she is a "good girl" and then we go back to "redo" whatever the behavior was that we were doing the time out for. I only do "time in" when Uma has done a behavior that she can then repeat correctly when we are done - I don't do it just for the sake of "punishment.")
When Craig came into the room again and she started her crying, he was about to run out and I this time I told him not to. I told Uma that this was her Uncle and that we were going to have to do a time out if she continued to act this way towards him. She kept crying so I took her back to our room and sat her on the bed. As usual with a "time in", she tried to get up and I kept sitting her down and telling her that we were doing a time out. She started to cry again, as she does not like to be told that she has to do anything that she does not want to (like sitting when she wants to go). I then told her that we would not go back into the house until she calmed herself down and could act properly towards her Uncle. I then validated her fear and told her that being afraid of people she did not know was all right and I do understand when she is afraid why she is afraid. I talked about this for a while. Then I told her that when she sees me kiss someone that this means that the person is someone she need not be afraid of. I explained that her Uncle loves me and he loves her too and it is not right to behave this way towards someone who loves us.
Half of my mind was wondering if she had a clue what I was saying, but she did calm down. We then hugged, as we do after every "time in", and I can tell by the way she hugs and if she makes eye contact after that, if she is really done. She was finished, and so we went back to the kitchen where Craig was. As soon as we entered the room, Uma smiled at him and sat down to eat her dinner. He sat across from her and they smiled at each other the whole time. There was never a problem after that, and by the end of the trip, Uma was playing with him and even sat on his lap a few times.
I realized after incident that that Uma really does understand alot more than I give her credit for. I have since been talking to her clearly and as if she understands everything. I don't know if she does or she doesn't, but I am doing it anyway.
We both had a wonderful time up North. It was a short but really memorable four days. My birthday was on Sunday, and I was so delighted to have been able to spend it with Craig, who I hardly ever see on my birthday. It was really special in so many ways.
Feb 18, 2008
Cousin Jaredan
It is really so cute how Jaredan has attached to Uma, I wanted to write about it. He really looks after her, makes time to play with her, makes special play dates with her, and really wants to make her laugh. She is also bonding with Kanan and laughs hysterically at the things he does, whatever they may be. Last night, we were at my parents' house and the kids were playing together alone for a while. She is really becoming much more confident at play with others and has really made some breakthroughs this week in terms of her social skills, sharing with others and playing with other kids. The people in our Mommy and Me class also have noticed it.I have been able to leave her alone with the Nanny a few hours without her getting upset. So it does look like I will be able to go back to work March 11, as planned. Right now, as I type this, Uma is at the park playing with her Nanny, Berta.
She has also really bonded with Adhipen now and enjoys playing with him and having him carry her. She is definitely on her way to being a true "Daddy's Girl!"
Next week, Adhipen goes for his annual Sivarathri pilgrimage, and so, to distract her from her routine, I am going to take a trip with her to Northern California to visit Adhipen's sister and family and my brother, Craig and family. She will get to meet her cousin, Aidan. Jaredan was a bit miffed that he could not come too, but he realized he had school, and so he accepted it. He really is such an amazing boy - so sensitive and mature. I know that as Uma grows, she is going to absolutely adore him, especially because he gives her so much special time now.
Feb 2, 2008
More Photos!
Today is exactly one month that we have been together. We have all come a long way in such a short time!
Jan 27, 2008
Small Things are Big Milestones
Each day Uma seems to be getting more secure and more adjusted to her life here. She still has tremendous anxiety about being left somewhere, but it has improved as compared to the beginning.
To me, one of the most significant signs that she was beginning to feel safer is that now, if she falls asleep in the car, and it is time for actual sleep (naptime or bedtime) she will sleep on my shoulder when I carry her up, and stay asleep when I put her in bed. It used to be that if she fell asleep. The moment the car had stopped, she would be wide awake to see where she was and she would not go to sleep again on my shoulder. It was as if she wanted to make sure where she was being taken and hypervigilant about not being left somewhere. Now she trusts enough to stay asleep, and that, to me is a big deal!
She also has finally started to attach to the security blanket I got for her to attach to. It is a little satin doggie/blanket and has two flat rubber paws that she can bite on (which she likes to do). It is small enough to carry and soft, though not especially "little girlish" but definitely fits the bill. I bought several because I found I was having trouble remembering to bring the doggie and often had to go all the way back up to the house to get it. So now we have one for my mom's, and one for the car, which I also put in the stroller. Uma used to totally ignore it, then she would discard it. Now she holds it and tonight, when we were leaving the car, she pointed to it (the car version) to remind me to take it. When she went to bed, she was hugging itin one hand, and holding my hand in the other, while falling asleep.
Uma also now will allow me to stoke her back or her chest as she falls asleep, and she like me to sing to her. Initially, she would push me away if I did this, and cover my mouth when I sang. I would stop for that night, but then the next night and day for nap, I would persist. Now, she will actually place my hand on her chest, and touch my mouth to tell me to rub her and sing. I sing the song, "Edleweiss" from Sound of Music. I really need to learn a new one, though she seems to like it. She used to rock her head back and forth to put herself to sleep. Now, she no longer does this, but has replaced it with my stroking and singing. I guess this is a good thing except it takes me alot longer to get her to sleep than when she did it herself with her head rocking!
For the most part, she sleeps totally through the night soundly now, without even moving much. Occasionally, like tonight, she seems to have bad dreams, and will cry in her sleep, or crawl into my arms. I was typing this when I heard her crying. I went into the bedroom and she was still asleep, but in the spot where I sleep. I rubbed her back and held her, and then she leaned back to go to sleep in her bed.
Pizza is another milestone in my book! This little girl would not eat any American food at all, and initally, I had given her pizza and she would not eat it. Now, pizza is her all time favorite food. She could probablly eat a whole pizza on her own if I would let her! I literally have to limit how much of it she eats! We went to Govinda's the other day, which has both Indian food (the rice and dal that she is used to) and pizza. I offered her first the rice and dal, but she was eyeing her cousin Jaredan's pizza, and she turned down the rice and dal. I gave her some pizza, and that was it! She would probably eat pizza breakfast, lunch and dinner if I would let her! She still will not eat a hamburger, but we will work her up to that! :)
To me, one of the most significant signs that she was beginning to feel safer is that now, if she falls asleep in the car, and it is time for actual sleep (naptime or bedtime) she will sleep on my shoulder when I carry her up, and stay asleep when I put her in bed. It used to be that if she fell asleep. The moment the car had stopped, she would be wide awake to see where she was and she would not go to sleep again on my shoulder. It was as if she wanted to make sure where she was being taken and hypervigilant about not being left somewhere. Now she trusts enough to stay asleep, and that, to me is a big deal!
She also has finally started to attach to the security blanket I got for her to attach to. It is a little satin doggie/blanket and has two flat rubber paws that she can bite on (which she likes to do). It is small enough to carry and soft, though not especially "little girlish" but definitely fits the bill. I bought several because I found I was having trouble remembering to bring the doggie and often had to go all the way back up to the house to get it. So now we have one for my mom's, and one for the car, which I also put in the stroller. Uma used to totally ignore it, then she would discard it. Now she holds it and tonight, when we were leaving the car, she pointed to it (the car version) to remind me to take it. When she went to bed, she was hugging itin one hand, and holding my hand in the other, while falling asleep.
Uma also now will allow me to stoke her back or her chest as she falls asleep, and she like me to sing to her. Initially, she would push me away if I did this, and cover my mouth when I sang. I would stop for that night, but then the next night and day for nap, I would persist. Now, she will actually place my hand on her chest, and touch my mouth to tell me to rub her and sing. I sing the song, "Edleweiss" from Sound of Music. I really need to learn a new one, though she seems to like it. She used to rock her head back and forth to put herself to sleep. Now, she no longer does this, but has replaced it with my stroking and singing. I guess this is a good thing except it takes me alot longer to get her to sleep than when she did it herself with her head rocking!
For the most part, she sleeps totally through the night soundly now, without even moving much. Occasionally, like tonight, she seems to have bad dreams, and will cry in her sleep, or crawl into my arms. I was typing this when I heard her crying. I went into the bedroom and she was still asleep, but in the spot where I sleep. I rubbed her back and held her, and then she leaned back to go to sleep in her bed.
Pizza is another milestone in my book! This little girl would not eat any American food at all, and initally, I had given her pizza and she would not eat it. Now, pizza is her all time favorite food. She could probablly eat a whole pizza on her own if I would let her! I literally have to limit how much of it she eats! We went to Govinda's the other day, which has both Indian food (the rice and dal that she is used to) and pizza. I offered her first the rice and dal, but she was eyeing her cousin Jaredan's pizza, and she turned down the rice and dal. I gave her some pizza, and that was it! She would probably eat pizza breakfast, lunch and dinner if I would let her! She still will not eat a hamburger, but we will work her up to that! :)
Jan 20, 2008
Learning to Be a Family
I keep getting e-mails from people asking me when I am going to update the blog, and really I have been wanting to, but sleep time is precious and now that I don't have jet lag those late night updates are just not happening....
So today, I am sacrificing my nap (badly needed) to be able to update.
Uma has been here over a week and a half now, and has been with us since January 2. The change in her has been amazing! She gained 5 pounds and grew and inch since we took her to the embassy doctor! Her eyes, which were dull when we first picked her up, now have the most beautiful sparkle!
She had her first visit with the pediatrician a few years ago. She was given a clean bill of health, and is now, with her sudden weight gain and growth, is in the 40 percentile of her age. The only issue is that she is pretty anemic, which I saw she was in her initial medical reports. So we have to put her on iron drops for the next month. I have been feeding her iron rich foods, which, as long as they are not green, and as long as I can hide them in plain yogurt, she eats willingly. Anything green, she will shake her head "no" vehemently, so that does limit alot of the iron foods, but she will eat spinich pancakes, as long as I dip them first in her yogurt. I should invest in stocks in Pavel's yogurt company for all the yogurt this little girl eats!
She has taken to Adhipen now and calls him, "Da" Last night, she and I came home from my parent's house and as soon as I opened the door, she called, "Da, Hi!" Unfortunately, Adhipen was not there, but he did come home while she took her bath. She will still not stay with him alone if I am not in the room, but today at the park, she let him play with her and chase her. She is truly on her way to becoming a serious "Daddy's girl." :)
Uma responds to her name now. And will smile at passerbys while she sits with me in the park or if we are out somewhere. She still is relatively shy if she is introduced to people directly, but will eventually warm up, and if the person is a woman, she will eventually let them hold her and play with her.
We had our first "play date" the other day. A lovely woman named Alberta, who I met from Peachhead, invited me over to her house to teach me how to put Uma in the carrier in the back. I did learn her technique, though I still need to practice it. I am tempted to simply buy a hard carrier that I can just lift her in and save myself the strife. Anyway, Alberta has two daughters, Mia and Georgia, who is almost Uma's age. They were extremely nice to us, and by the end of the evening, Uma was playing in Alberta's lap, though looking over at me periodically. Letting her play in other's arms is technically against the advice I have been given, but a part of me is torn because I love that she is able to receive love and attention and want her to enjoy it. Well, tomorrow we are going to Ventura to meet with the attachement therapist I have been consulting with, and I will ask her about it.
Uma has also bonded with my mother, and with her 8 year old cousin, Jaredan, who is just wild about her. It is so adorable to watch how he takes care of her, plays with her and tries to teach her. He is so sensitive to her and so observant about her. I want to try to encourage that bond as well. She recognizes my father and smiles at him, but still will not go to him, or any man other than Adhipen for that matter. Maybe that is a good thing that we should try to keep going! It could save us alot of aggravation in her teen years. :)
Each day is a new learning for me, as a mother and a person. This little being is so totally dependent on me, and yet she has her own mind and her own being that she very much wishes to assert at her near 2 years. I am starting to learn to flow with her, predict her needs and figure out how to get along with her. For example, she had been crying and having tantrums before naps, and especially before bed. I tried changing her nap/bed times, skipping naps, and found that she definitely needed the nap, and definitely needed a decently early bed time. The more tired she was, the worse it was.
In my gut, I just don't like the "let them cry themselves to sleep" approach, especially because I am sure she did this alone for many years, and I am not sure that it is at all conducive to attachment. I was not leaving her alone anyway, but this was not the issue. I finally figured out that she needed more of a transition time than I had been giving her, and that was the issue. Now, I turn the lights out (but for our night light) and hold her standing for a while rubbing her back and speaking to her. Then I turn on this musical thing she has in her crib, which I bought from another Peachhead mom, and start acting very interested in it (still standing outside the crib). I start looking and acting surprised that it lights up and plays music. Then she will reach out to be put in bed so she can play with it. Then I come next to her and we roll the balls it has attached to for a while and I point out the sea animals. Then I say in Hindi, "sleep now," and lay down to pretend I am asleep. She, on her own, switches the music on this thing to be the sound of waves, and will play a bit with her stuffed animals. She will then either come lay in my arms, or hold my hand, or tap on my shoulder to cover her. We smile at each other as she lays down, and then she goes to sleep on her own. What a difference this was from the screaming we had just a week ago!
She is learning each day...about the joys of swinging on a swing, the feelings of contentment of having a mommy and daddy hold her and kiss her at the same time, the soft touch of a cat rubbing against her, and so many, many things. And we are learning too, about how to dance together in this life, how to love and respect a little child and how to be loving parents.
I am also learning how not to nag Adhipen too much to get those photos uploaded so I can post some more!
So today, I am sacrificing my nap (badly needed) to be able to update.
Uma has been here over a week and a half now, and has been with us since January 2. The change in her has been amazing! She gained 5 pounds and grew and inch since we took her to the embassy doctor! Her eyes, which were dull when we first picked her up, now have the most beautiful sparkle!
She had her first visit with the pediatrician a few years ago. She was given a clean bill of health, and is now, with her sudden weight gain and growth, is in the 40 percentile of her age. The only issue is that she is pretty anemic, which I saw she was in her initial medical reports. So we have to put her on iron drops for the next month. I have been feeding her iron rich foods, which, as long as they are not green, and as long as I can hide them in plain yogurt, she eats willingly. Anything green, she will shake her head "no" vehemently, so that does limit alot of the iron foods, but she will eat spinich pancakes, as long as I dip them first in her yogurt. I should invest in stocks in Pavel's yogurt company for all the yogurt this little girl eats!
She has taken to Adhipen now and calls him, "Da" Last night, she and I came home from my parent's house and as soon as I opened the door, she called, "Da, Hi!" Unfortunately, Adhipen was not there, but he did come home while she took her bath. She will still not stay with him alone if I am not in the room, but today at the park, she let him play with her and chase her. She is truly on her way to becoming a serious "Daddy's girl." :)
Uma responds to her name now. And will smile at passerbys while she sits with me in the park or if we are out somewhere. She still is relatively shy if she is introduced to people directly, but will eventually warm up, and if the person is a woman, she will eventually let them hold her and play with her.
We had our first "play date" the other day. A lovely woman named Alberta, who I met from Peachhead, invited me over to her house to teach me how to put Uma in the carrier in the back. I did learn her technique, though I still need to practice it. I am tempted to simply buy a hard carrier that I can just lift her in and save myself the strife. Anyway, Alberta has two daughters, Mia and Georgia, who is almost Uma's age. They were extremely nice to us, and by the end of the evening, Uma was playing in Alberta's lap, though looking over at me periodically. Letting her play in other's arms is technically against the advice I have been given, but a part of me is torn because I love that she is able to receive love and attention and want her to enjoy it. Well, tomorrow we are going to Ventura to meet with the attachement therapist I have been consulting with, and I will ask her about it.
Uma has also bonded with my mother, and with her 8 year old cousin, Jaredan, who is just wild about her. It is so adorable to watch how he takes care of her, plays with her and tries to teach her. He is so sensitive to her and so observant about her. I want to try to encourage that bond as well. She recognizes my father and smiles at him, but still will not go to him, or any man other than Adhipen for that matter. Maybe that is a good thing that we should try to keep going! It could save us alot of aggravation in her teen years. :)
Each day is a new learning for me, as a mother and a person. This little being is so totally dependent on me, and yet she has her own mind and her own being that she very much wishes to assert at her near 2 years. I am starting to learn to flow with her, predict her needs and figure out how to get along with her. For example, she had been crying and having tantrums before naps, and especially before bed. I tried changing her nap/bed times, skipping naps, and found that she definitely needed the nap, and definitely needed a decently early bed time. The more tired she was, the worse it was.
In my gut, I just don't like the "let them cry themselves to sleep" approach, especially because I am sure she did this alone for many years, and I am not sure that it is at all conducive to attachment. I was not leaving her alone anyway, but this was not the issue. I finally figured out that she needed more of a transition time than I had been giving her, and that was the issue. Now, I turn the lights out (but for our night light) and hold her standing for a while rubbing her back and speaking to her. Then I turn on this musical thing she has in her crib, which I bought from another Peachhead mom, and start acting very interested in it (still standing outside the crib). I start looking and acting surprised that it lights up and plays music. Then she will reach out to be put in bed so she can play with it. Then I come next to her and we roll the balls it has attached to for a while and I point out the sea animals. Then I say in Hindi, "sleep now," and lay down to pretend I am asleep. She, on her own, switches the music on this thing to be the sound of waves, and will play a bit with her stuffed animals. She will then either come lay in my arms, or hold my hand, or tap on my shoulder to cover her. We smile at each other as she lays down, and then she goes to sleep on her own. What a difference this was from the screaming we had just a week ago!
She is learning each day...about the joys of swinging on a swing, the feelings of contentment of having a mommy and daddy hold her and kiss her at the same time, the soft touch of a cat rubbing against her, and so many, many things. And we are learning too, about how to dance together in this life, how to love and respect a little child and how to be loving parents.
I am also learning how not to nag Adhipen too much to get those photos uploaded so I can post some more!
Jan 16, 2008
Method for Attachment
I am posting this for all to see as it summarizes what I have been advised by experts as well as what I learned in my own studying before Uma got here. This is, more or less, the approach we are taking with her. I am putting it out there in hopes of getting support from everyone. It is amazing how much advice I started getting, from the very beginning. It is sort of crazy making because the advice often conflicts with what I learned, and yet, in wanting to be a good parent, I sometimes feel confused as to what is "best."
I am pretty much following the below guidelines, with a bit of intuition mixed in there. They were written by Beth McCann, a parent from the Reactive Attachment Forum. She mentions that she had them "approved" by Daniel Hughes, whose books I read, and loved, before Uma got here, and who is considered the "Guru" in the area of attachment and attachment disorder.
Here they are:
1. YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.
2. YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.
3. KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.
4. BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.
5. A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.
6. WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.
7. NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.
8. DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!
9. ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!
10. SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!
11. SING, SING, SING!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!
12. ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"
13. EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!
14. EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.
15. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.
16. GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!
17. KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.
18. PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.
19. FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.
20. HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.
21. IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.
I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!
Beth McCannBAMcCann@AOL.COMBucksport, ME
Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.
This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.
I am pretty much following the below guidelines, with a bit of intuition mixed in there. They were written by Beth McCann, a parent from the Reactive Attachment Forum. She mentions that she had them "approved" by Daniel Hughes, whose books I read, and loved, before Uma got here, and who is considered the "Guru" in the area of attachment and attachment disorder.
Here they are:
1. YOU, AND ONLY YOU, WEAR YOUR BABY!! Carry them with you wherever you go, and whatever you do. (unless dangerous) Attach them to your bodies. A great baby carrier is one that the baby can have skin to skin contact with you – Baby Trekker (1-800-665-3957) is a great one, and DHS bought mine! (Tank tops are great to encourage skin to skin contact). Carry the baby on your hip; tie to your body under a sweatshirt, front carrier, or in your arms. The more contact the better. These babies were not held enough. Hold Them!!!! ALOT!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! For the rare times the baby is not in your arms, have them in the same room as you are in.
2. YOU ARE THE ONLY CAREGIVER!! You always bottle, feed, bath, dress, change and most of the play. If friends and family want to help let them walk the dog or clean your house, wash bottles or do laundry, bring food or make you tea. No baby-sitters and no sending the baby away for respite. Until your baby is firmly emotionally attached to you. NO ONE the baby doesn't see daily should hold or even touch them, and even those that the baby sees daily should hold them at a very minimum.
3. KEEP THE BOTTLE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE –EVEN LONGER! You, not the baby, hold the bottle. I hold the bottle with my chin so I have two hands to snuggle my baby close to me. Hold them the way a nursing mother does – chest to chest, close to you with as much skin to skin contact as possible. Always insist your baby look in your eyes and when they do, instantly put the bottle in their mouth and tell them good job!! Keep looking at their eyes so when they are ready for eye contact, you don't miss it. Rub them gently, rock, sing.
4. BATHE WITH YOUR BABY, this encourages skin to skin contact in a nice relaxing warm fun way.
5. A LOT OF FACE TO FACE baby games and funny faces and TONS of smiles and kisses!! Paint bright circles around your eyes. Close one eye, then the other, rapidly blink, then change speeds, all the time with funny noises. Cover both eyes then one, and so on. Have the baby sit on your lap, and if this is too hard for them at first, lay them on a bed to do it. Then slowly trick them into letting you touch and hold them!! Keep it fun for them.
6. WHEN THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF ANGER OR AVOIDANCE, the baby NEEDS you to hold them, even if they don't WANT to be held. They feel so far away from you, and have to be brought closer to heal. Cradle the baby in your arms. Have their arm closest to you held close. Talk soothingly to them, and tell them to look in mommy's eyes. They most likely won't at first, and will become very angry, (actually they were already very angry, the anger is just allowed to come out in a safe loved way) Other times in their life they were not able to get their needs met; anger and avoidance came out of that. They were often either ignored, hit, or yelled at. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT this ALL be done in an extremely loving way. Never squeeze the baby too close, speak harshly, lose your cool or forget why you are doing this. If you get to feeling their anger, immediately put them down and call support. You have to remain supportive, yet expect their best. Often they will try to hit you, scratch, bite, scream and get to you any way they can. Their intense rage is there. Yes, even little babies. Eye contact, feeling safe, and being accepted no matter what in a loving way is the goal here. For whatever reason, they have shut off people. Now they need YOU to heal. My daughter needed it most after someone she didn't know EXTREMELY well would touch her or hold her. Rub them, soothe them in singing, and soft speech, rock them and tell them you love them. Keep it up until they will calm down and look in your eyes and FEEL connected to you. At times they will fall asleep screaming. If so, and if possible, continue to hold them until they wake up, then continue above. If you need to lay them down, have a monitor on so you can pick them up as soon as they wake up. For the very avoidant baby one unsolicited eye contact a week could be considered good! Keep it up, you have several good eye contacts a minute to look forward to! Remember, you did not create this anger in your baby.
7. NOW IS THE BEST AND EASIEST TIME TO WORK WITH YOUR BABY.
8. DO A LOT OF BABY MASSAGES. For the real avoidant baby, a half hour. Each day you delay, the harder it is for them and you. Attachment issues do NOT just go away on their own. They only get worse. Twice a day would be minimum. All the time talk, sing and let that baby know how special they are!! Most of the babies seem to really enjoy this, and my daughter would even get out the lotion as soon as she could reach for it!!
9. ROCK THAT BABY!! They often can't stand you sitting in a rocking chair, but can often tolerate and enjoy you walking and dancing with them in your arms. (remember face to face contact during this) Gentle motion, bouncing and rocking are a must!!
10. SLEEP WITH THE BABY. If you can, the best is to have the baby in your bed close to you. Second choice is to have the baby in their crib right next to your side of the bed with the side rail down. Have the crib touching snug to your bed, so if they climb out, they climb safely onto you!! They need t hear your breathing and know you are close. My daughter was always asleep when I put her in her crib, yet that little tiny thing would move her body as far away from me as she could, and always would turn her head away from me. I still remember the first night she didn't!! What Joy!! DHS will let you have a baby under one sleep in your room with no problems. (It's in the rule book!) Yet for someone over one, you get special permission (in writing) to have them sleep in your room for mental health reasons. Should not be a big problem. Have the baby always fall asleep in your arms. Nap or night. They need to get used to feeling loved!!
11. SING, SING, SING!! It lightens the load, and helps the baby feel the happy friendliness they missed out on. Joyful voices are so important!
12. ENCOURAGE EYE CONTACT WHEN FEEDING, BOTTLING, TALKING, CHANGING, AND ALL THE TIME!! Bribery of candy, special toys or sounds, tickles, or whatever. As one specialist told me in giving them candy, "They can live with rotten teeth, yet can not truly live without attachments!!"
13. EXPECT A DIRTY HOUSE, soup out of the can and sandwiches for supper and piles of laundry. Know that you are not super mom, and that baby can't wait until all is in order to get on with their lives. Here is where all those well meaning friends that want to hold that precious baby come in!! Let them work!!!
14. EXPECT TO BE CRITICIZED AND ACCUSED as over possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby possessive, spoiling the baby, and making more than you should out of the baby's problems. You will be told all babies do that. This is by well meaning friends, neighbors, relatives, doctors, and social workers. Stick to what YOU KNOW the baby needs, and fight to get that for them. Remember YOU know that baby more than anyone else.
15. HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM. Have a trusted friend (hopefully someone who has had experience in attachment disorder) that you can call without being told you are making too much of it. Read books on attachment disorder. Know what dangers await that baby if they are not helped. Working with an infant or toddler has such a HUGE chance for success!! Not one act of kindness is wasted.
16. GET AN OFFICIAL EVALUATION BY AN ATTACHMENT EXPERT. Dr. Dan Hughes does these (207-872-2121) That way in court and with workers you do have leg to stand on in getting these babies what they need!!! It is a lot easier when you have a well respected expert stick up for you. Even judges listen to Dan!!
17. KNOW YOU NEITHER CREATED YOUR BABY'S PROBLEMS, NOR CAN YOU CURE THEM. Your job is to give the baby the tools they need. The rest is up to them.
18. PRAY, A LOT. It is a very big job you have undertaken and at times a very lonely one. Know YOU are just as precious to Jesus as that little baby you are working with.
19. FOR THE BABY THAT HAS NOT YET ENTERED YOUR HOME – when you get that baby, get a piece of clothing or blanket unwashed and used recently by the primary caregiver. The smell will help the move. And don't you wash it!! Keep it close to the baby to help the baby adjust. No matter the baby's age or living conditions, the move to you is not easy. Never push this object, but make it available.
20. HELP YOUR BABY GET A TRANSFERENCE OBJECT. This is a blanket or soft toy they can sleep with, use it in the car seat, and for the RARE time you cannot be with them. Helps in security.
21. IF YOU DO ALL OF THESE WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND THINGS GET WORSE OR REMAIN THE SAME, GET HELP. I have never heard of them getting worse when done this way, yet anything is possible.
I wish you all the best in your adventure. No one is superhuman, and there will be times when you cannot do all you want with your baby. Take heart, NO ONE can do it all!! If your baby is getting emotionally closer to YOU, you are doing great and giving the baby a priceless gift. I have worked with older children with attachment problems also, and believe me, NOW is the easiest and best time to start!! God bless you on your adventure!
Beth McCannBAMcCann@AOL.COMBucksport, ME
Please feel free to copy this paper and give to anyone who might use it.
This treatment and paper have been approved by Dr. Dan Hughes, attachment specialist. Thanks Dan.
Jan 14, 2008
Days of Fear and Joy
We are so badly hit with jetlag that it, so far, has been next to impossible to start a normal routine. My suitcases are still half unpacked and the house is in shambles! When Uma sleeps, so do I. There is not really a question of doing chores when she is awake, and when she sleeps, I take alittle time to check mails, and pick up about 15 minutes, and then I go to bed too. I need all the rest I can get! From my pre-Uma reading, it was suggested that one not worry about the house in the beginning, and this is what I am trying to do. It is just too difficult to do anything at all with Uma in my arms constantly. She cannot bear to have me even a few feet away, her anxiety at being left is so great. It is just heartwrenching.
We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.
During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.
Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.
Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!
We go though at least one, if not more, tantrums per day. They start with her raging at something "normal" such as my putting a diaper on her, washing her hands after a meal, or my needing to go to the toilet and setting her down for a moment to get myself settled. When she has her tantrum, I do "holding" which is a technique, not easy to practice, that I had learned before she came. I cradle her in my arms and reassure her with my tone, trying to put words to her feelings, while she struggles and cries in rage. When I feel that she has calmed a notch, I release her and she cries on her own (the way she must have in the orphanage) while I sit next to her saying the same reassuring things. I try to pat her back, but she is usally still to angry to receive it. Sometimes, when she is crying on her own she can calm herself, but sometimes, her rage gets stronger and so I then have to do more holding until it calms a notch again. Eventually, she either will let me lift her to hug her, or she will come into my arms, holding me tightly and cry on my shoulder for a while. Then, when she is ready, I lift her to play while she laughs and jumps into a state of joy, as if nothing ever happened.
During the day, as long as she is in my arms, she is all right, and sometimes, as a typical toddler, she likes to be on her own exploring (with my needing to chase after her to make sure she does not get into something she shouldn't.) However, she hates to be confined in anyway, and will not sit in a high chair or our Jumperoo unless I am totally engaged with her. This makes it virtually impossible for me to even cook, let alone comb my hair. I have been carrying her in an Ergobaby sling in the front position, which frees my hands so I can carry things. But the front position is difficult for cooking and other tasks because I don't have alot of range with my arms and she grabs at things so it takes alot of focus to keep an eye on her hands while I am also doing whatever else. Every normal task takes about 5 times as long in this way.
Today at the Pump Station, they had a sling clinic at 3:00. I rushed there with Uma to have them teach me how to put her in the back carry position (I had tried on my own as per the instructional DVD, but could not do it). Somehow, with all the children running around, I think that Uma thought it was another orphanage and that I was going to leave her there. She screamed in terror when I set her down to try to adjust my sling. She clung to my legs and buried her face in my legs crying loudly and deeply. I almost cried to see her so upset. I held her and played with the toys they had there and in this position of safety with me, she would go back into a state of joy and laughter again, but because of her anxious state, I could not learn the method they were teaching me. Tomorrow, I will go back to try again as there is someone who will be there who knows a different method where I will not need to set her down. If she is anxious again, I will have to try again another day. No matter what, I am determined! It will really make my life so much easier to be able to carry her on my back when I need to do things around the house.
Because of her needing to be held so much, I was really dreading the carseat. However, when I set her in for the first time, I walked around the car tapping on the window and smiling every few steps and so she thought is was a game. She sat calmly and happily as I got in the driver's seat. And with frequent turning of my head and reaching back to touch her leg, she really actually enjoys the carseat. Thankfully, and amazingly, she is extremely happy in the car and her carseat, and so, when I need a bit of a respite, taking her for a drive is what I have for now!
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