Photo Album!

Adhipen brought back about 40 photos, so now we have our first photo album! I am posting a few here, but it was really hard to decide. The teddy bear I had sent was just not interesting to her, but she really liked the teether I sent for

Uma Aakriti really loved playing with the ball. That is good because Ishana left a great soccer ball here that we can play with!

Lots of Love!

After reading my two blogs on Adhipen's trip, alot of people got back to me via e-mail feeling really bad for him! I felt bad for him too, but really was not surprised by Uma's response. I put a post out about it on Ichild (an India adoption yahoo group that I have been a member of for about two years now) and I got an overwhelming amount of responses full of love, reassurances and sharing of similar experiences.

One thing that was really clear from most of the posts is that it is extremely important to allow the child to grieve. The orphanage has been her home. She has attachments there, not to mention her attachment to that being the only life she has known. It is natural and healthy to grieve, and I am expecting that we will go through alot of grief with her. I am already sensing her to be a very sensitive child (and Anne says that she is).

Adhipen said that some people in the orphanage told him that Uma is like this -she cries alot. Anne says that this was not true - that Uma was happy until she got put in with the older children and then she became sad. It is also possible that her response towards Adhipen was not just fear but also, in part, a both a continuation of the grief felt by an abandoned child, as well as the beginning of the grief she will experience at being taken away from the life she has grown comfortable with. They had told her that this was "her daddy." She definitely must have been sensing change with his presence and not really knowing what "daddy" meant, but knowing that he was something to her must have felt confusing and scary.

I wanted to post one of the replies I got to my ichild query. It is short (whereas many were quite long and detailed) but more or less summarizes everyone's experiences. So here it is:


This discussion is bringing back so many memories.... Our daughter screamed for almost an entire day straight when she realized that we were the only ones with her and her foster family was nowhere to be found. I remember telling myself as she was screaming in my ear "this is good, b/c it meansthat she was attached to them." But it was still hard, especially b/c with our first child there was an instant connection. I felt so guilty b/c I did not have that with our daughter. Two years later, we are about as normal as a family with a 4 and 2 year old can be :-) I like how someone called it our birth/delivery...there is pain in that experience, but just like adoption, always worth it.
Kristan

From Auntie Corinne

I spoke to a friend of mine who adopted a boy from a Romanian orphanage at age 3 about 7 years ago. I mentioned what happened with Uma and he assured me that she will be fine just a few months after her arrival. He says they get so distracted by all the attention and colorful toys, etc. that largely their trauma slips away. She might have night mares and some expected frustration and confusion at first, but he says his son adjusted fairly quickly to the new life (also not knowing any English). Ultimately, they feel their son will ALWAYS have a space in his heart that cannot be filled due to his unusual early life experiences (left in cribs for years then put into a big communal room with all aged kids with very little personal attention, etc..), but no more than any child who's been through a major transition in early life like a divorce, a death or a big move away to a new country or whatever. Uma will be won over by all the love and welcoming she will get here and you will probably see that she will be happy here very soon.Having two boys with such unique temperaments, I have learned that things that comfort Jaredan often upset Kanan and vice, versa. Uma might just be a child who gets scared initially around men or new people. But ultimately our nature is to welcome parental love. Nello came into my life after a very traumatic divorce (and my real father took care of me while my mom worked and then was suddenly gone) and won me over right away. However if you speak to my family members, they all remember me as a MAJOR cry baby, scared of everything and very clingy to my babysitters (always wanting to be held and carried around). At the age of 5, my mom said I was suddenly "cured" by becoming a professional child actress and I never cried again until I was 25! So who says what is healthy or not. Children cry for a multitude of reasons and we all need to be prepared for it and accept that any child forced into a new environment will react at first. Remember how Jaredan would cry when you came over when he was a baby 'cuz he knew that meant we were going out? But he now considers you his closest aunt from those experiences even if you recall it being tough to deal with when he cried like that. If a child is emotional and strong willed, they will cry for hours. My belief is that you are saving Uma from a very sad and hard life and bringing her into a very loving family that ANY child would be so lucky to have. Whatever her temperament is, you can only be there for her to soothe her pain and accept her unique style at processing stress, which is all any of us can do for each other.

Adhipen Sweating Bullets!

Adhipen had his second day with Uma (whom he now refers to only as Aakriti since that is her name right now). Again she cried and cried in his presence. He sat there for hours with her while she cried and cried. When the person who feeds her would come into the room, she would stop and start munching on some cookies that she had in her hand. As soon as the person left, Uma would start to wail again. She would not even accept chocolate from him this time.

At one point I called and as soon as he answered the phone, I could hear her screaming and sobbing. I felt just heart broken for them both! Adhipen said that he literally was sweating bullets! He did not know what to do. I told him just to keep his distance, not try to hold her so as to scare her more, but just stay with her. So this is what he did all day long.

She had her lunch and let him feed her alittle (though mostly cried if he tried) and she did take some chocolate from him after lunch. When she went down for her nap, he took a much needed break, but came back in the afternoon for more of the same.

Then suddenly, as if an angel was appearing, a woman entered. All of the children, including our Aakriti, went running up to her jumping up and pulling on her legs. She was like the pied piper with a woman's face! This woman, Anne, is a student from Denmark and she had come to India to volunteer at the orphanage. She came almost every day after lunch and spent the rest of the day playing with the children and rendering them much needed hugs. She would be there until December, and then planned to go back to Denmark.

Once Anne came, Aakriti was calm and happy. Adhipen even got to see her smile and laugh (and got pictures!). She made lots of eye contact with Anne (we were worried about the lack of eye contact). The rest of the afternoon was blissful for Adhipen, though the baby still was very wary of him.

When the day was over, Adhipen invited Anne to dinner. He called me on the phone so I could speak to her. She spoke perfect English. She told me that Aakriti was the most sensitive child in the orphange. She said that everyday she would worry about Aakriti and what would eventually happen to her. When Anne saw that we were going to adopt her, she was absolutely thrilled! Anne said that when Aakriti was in the baby's ward, she was much happier. Then, as soon as she began to walk, she was moved down with the older children and from there she started to deteriorate. She became extremely sad and has not put on any weight since, though she seems to have a decent appetite. The sadness and the gauntness does show in the 2nd set of pictures we received. We contacted our adoption agency about it and he told us that there was a heat wave at the time the photos were taken and that is why she looked so unhappy. This was probably true, but Anne said that this unhappiness has continued in her since she was moved. Maybe there was someone who she was attached to whom she no longer sees much, or maybe she was given more attention in the other ward, whatever it is, she seems to be slowly going downhill, and so we are really, really praying that we can get her out soon!

It is clear that she will need OT and speech therapy since at 17 months, Anne said that she is only still babbling and has no words at all, even in Hindi. Maybe it is becasuse she has no one to call, "Mama." Whatever it is, our little one is going to need lots and lots of love and care, and Adhipen and I will be ever so happy and grateful to be able to give it to her.

Poor Baby!

Adhipen met Uma for the first time yesterday. She literally screamed her head off in fear at the sight of him!

Her caretakers had been telling her that this was her daddy, so she must have been extra wary wondering who this strange man speaking some foreign gibberish actually was. She would not let him near her without a serious fit! He took her out to the garden and she did calm down after a while while he carried her. But she did not respond at all as he showed her the things in the garden and the people from the orphanage shouted out to her from the window, but she did not even turn her head. She just sat frozen.

At one point, he called me on the phone (he was able to rent a cell phone there that can call international - it is great!). She was sitting quietly. However as soon as he started to speak to me in English, she got frightened again and started crying and crying inconsolably. He tried to comfort her, but in English, of course, and this frightened her even more.

The orphanage had them go outside in the hot New Delhi sun for their "getting to know each other time" so she was not even in known territory. Adhipen said that he felt so badly for her. They just sat in silence for over an hour. She made no eye contact or smiled. She did eat her lunch well and she really seemed to like the teething toy that I had sent for her. I had also sent an extremely soft teddy bear, but she was completely disinterested in that. It might as well have been a brick! She did break her ignoring of Adhipen to take some chocolate from him (in that she will fit into the family really well!). He felt guilty giving it to her, but it was a way of connecting.

She is frail and thin as are many children in an orphanage, so after he left, he went to the store and got her some protein drink for children (he had it when he was a child) and some Chavymparash, his favorite ayurvedic remedy (it is an ayurvedic jam that tastes terrible but is amazingly effective) for picking up the immune system and strengthening the digestion. It is the India version of Cod liver oil. I hope in his wildest dreams he does not try to give it to her or she will probably associate him with the terrible tasting jam and be even more afraid! Chocolate will definitely be a better option, though not in terms of providing the health benefits.

He will be going today and plans to spend the whole day there. I will update more later. By the way, according to the orphanage, the court date is set for the 28th, not the 20th. :( Hopefully, Adhipen will be able to contact the lawyer overseeing our case to find out for certain.

On a different note, he is staying at a wonderful Bed and Breakfast. It was about a third of the price of the other hotels in Delhi and it is owned by a wonderful couple who are literally treating him like family. They picked him up at the airport and arranged his cell phone for him (rental is $5 per week). They also got him a car and driver (about $25 per day, everything included)whose sole job is to take Adhipen wherever he wants, whenever he wants and to wait for him when he wants to leave. The meals are home cooked, and Adhipen says that it is some of the best Indian food he has ever had. The owner's wife was actually on channel 4 discussing her cooking! Here is the website: http://www.delhibedandbreakfast.com/

Adhipen leaves for New Delhi today!!

Adhipen is leaving for New Delhi tonight. He will be arriving on Wednesday morning, so hopefully by Wednesday afternoon, he will be with Uma ("inshallah." as he and I always say. No, we are not going to pick her up yet. He is going just to meet her for the first time, and to make sure all is well with her (and also to take alot of pictures!).

Our court date is set for September 20. He will not be attending the hearing unless otherwise advised by our lawyer. However, he will hopefully be there to know the results of our hearing.

It will be an extremely hectic trip for him because he will only be in Delhi for two days. Then he has to travel to Coimbitore, the place of his birth, because unfortunately, his grandmother died (we just found out yesterday :)) and he wants to connect with his family.

He then flies back to Delhi for one more day with Uma, and then on Sunday he leaves for London, which is where his plan stops before heading to LA. He, however, will stay in London until Tuesday because one of his dear friends is very ill (we just found out last week) and so he wants to spend some time with him.

He comes back (inshallah!) on Tuesday night. All in all, this fast paced, emotionally intense trip will be 9 days.

I am extremely excited that he will be connecting with Uma for the first time.

I am praying that all goes smoothly!

Good Advice!

On the ichild yahoo board (it is an India adoption yahoo group) someone asked a question about what to do when the children come home. Boy, was this great timing! I wanted to post some of the replies as they constitued excellent advice.

From Mary Lynn in PA:

My daughter, who started second grade on Tuesday, came to me at 20 months. We are remarkably okay given all the things I did less than well and sometimes downright wrongly at the beginning, the number of realities it took us months and years to figure out (intestinal infection, food allergies and AD/HD) and the many ways in which I am not the saint I remember my own mother being.I believe that if you have no regrets than you haven't really lived. Here's my list of things I would have done differently at the start with my daughter:--I would have been more open to letting my daughter sleep in my bed or at least my bedroom sooner. I spent a long time fighting it which could have been spent sleeping. Of course, we are now trying to get her out of our bed, but still I regret more the time I wasted torturing her and me by resisting letting her sleep with me.--I would take better care of myself and ask people for help more often. I was single and working and needed more sleep than I got for the first 2 years of parenthood. As silly as it would have seemed, asking my sister, my boyfriend (now husband) or a friend to take my daughter for a few hours every now and then so that I could take a nap would have been a smart thing to do.--Find a local adoption support group. I didn't do this and wish I had. Moms need other moms to talk with, and other adoptive moms can help you deal with, or at least wallow along with you in, the "is it an adoption issue or something else?" game. It takes a village to keep a mother sane.--I would have encouraged my daughter to take a bottle from me. Despite everything I'd read about attachment, bottle-feeding seemed silly to me at the time because she was so skilled with a cup. Now that I've had the experience of nursing my son (2 years old tomorrow!), I understand what she missed out on. I couldn't have compensated completely, but bottle-feeding would have been the next best thing and would have been a source of bonding and comfort for us both. It probably would have taken some patience and persistence to get her to go for it in the beginning, but I do so wish that I had made the attempt.--Practice forgiveness. For yourself and your child. You are going to make mistakes. It's okay. Moms wing it practically every minute of every day. There are no how-to instructions. Your child is probably going to fling some abuse at you, and it's really hard in the moment not to take it personally. Especially when you haven't slept well in weeks. Forgive her. As Lori said, try to look at it from her perspective. Your entire world has been changed overnight and you are trying to deal with it with a brain that is nearly two decades away from being fully developed. Put little notes to yourself around the house that remind you to remember that.--Err on the side of indulgence and take it slow when it comes to discipline. I was very worried at first about establishing my authority and 'starting as I intended to go on" and I caused myself and my daughter a lot of unnecessary grief because of it. A lot of house rules will just have to wait until you and she and the rest of the family are on solid footing as a family unit. You can't ask her to buy into the family rules until she's bought into the idea that she is part of the family.As for adjustment period, another adoptive mom said this...or something like it... to me right before my daughter came home: "Six weeks of hell, six months of purgatory and then you have the hope of heaven." Incredibly, that was pretty much right on the mark for us.Despite this list of regrets, there is one thing that I don't regret at all and that is adopting my daughter no matter what challenges we have faced or will face in the future. Raising her is one of the great joys and blessings of my life. The most amazing gift.Good luck! Keep us posted. --Mary Lynn in PAAt

From Lori:

Bringing a toddler into your home is an adventure!!! Here's a child whose never lived in a household, has no English skills, but can run and climb and knows what s/he wants--even if you don't!!I would strongly recommend reading as much on attachment as you can. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft is a valuable read, as is Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption. There's a few websites--attachchina, I believe, that are really good too.Be prepared for grieving, tantrums, sleep issues, food issues, etc., etc. Also, please try to put yourself in the shoes of your newly-home toddler. This child must feel kidnapped. Everything s/he has known has been ripped away. Nothing looks the same, smells the same, tastes the same...And a toddler doesn't have the brain development/language development to understand what has happened to him/her.They need a lot of TLC and a lot of grace. Also remember, this stage isn't forever. Most folks realize at around 3 mos. home that things are much calmer, then at 6 mos. realize that things are much calmer than they were at 3 mos., etc., etc.Good luck with it. It really is such a delight to watch a child who had nothing discover there's a whole world out there.
Best,Lori

From Maureen:

We brought our daughter home from India when she was 2 1/2 yrs old.? She is now14 and a freshman in high school~!? WoW! This time has gone by rather quickly.I remember making idlis for her in an idli steamer I purchased on Devon St. (Gandhi Marg)in Chicago for her first morning in her new home.? She looked at me and exclaimed,"Amma, idlis!"One thing to remember is that toddlers can have a lot of energy and want to do it allin a day... so when they nap, it's a good idea to go down for a nap too.? We had lotsof finger foods for snacks available.? At this age, they like to determine what they eat,so having choices makes it a lot easier to manage.? We were also very fortunate to have a group of Telugu people who worked at a nearby church.We went to a performance of?Telugu dancers.? Many of the younger children were runningaround chasing each other... while our daughter sat glued to her chair, watching withfascination the intricate dancing!? I made a mental note to sign her up for dance at thefirst opportunity.? She loved her first movement class, and after that we signed her up fora toddler tumbling class.? Then she moved on to ballet and Kathak (classical Indian dance).And by age 9, she determined that she wanted to do ballet, jazz, and modern.? She nowdances in a local dance ensemble that gives her a lot of satisfaction and joy.? Mostly, we just had a lot of books around, went to the library and bookstores in the areaand hung out with a lot of neighborhood kids.? Still, you want watch them the first severalweeks (keeping that time as your own),?making certain that you keep to routine (if they are used to the morning AND afternoon naps--keep those in place!)? Don't worry about offending friends and family who want to interact right away.? The most important thing is to get good rest with naps and keep bedtimeroutines?on schedule.? The ayas for our daughter told us to follow up the bath with an oilrub down.? That sure worked wonders in keeping her relaxed and in a slumber mode forbed time.? The other thing we did was to get her a soft doll from Target, that she namedHannah.? She slept with Hannah and had someone to "comfort" when she was transitioninginto bedtime routine.Best of luck!? and Keep us posted!
MaureenAmma to the 14 yr old Suvarna

Court Date Set!!

Our court hearing has been set for September 20. In this hearing, the judge will either grant us guardianship, or not. If we are granted guardianship, Uma will be ours and we will be able to go pick her up in about a month (India takes that long to release the children).

Before you get too excited, it is possible that the judge will postpone hearing the case (this happened to several friends of mine) or he/she could request more paperwork (a common happening) or s/he could even insist that the parents come (this also happened to a friend of mine). Our case is being heard by a new judge and so our agency cannot even tell us what is likely to occur because this will be the first time this judge hears any of their cases (or anyone else's for that matter). Anyway, it could go either way, so the best thing we (and you, if you would!) could do is pray!!

If all goes smoothly, Uma will be here sooner than we realized!

Adhipen is planning on going to go to New Delhi to see her on Sept. 19. Our adoption agent says it is probably best that he not show up in court, so he will likely just go to meet Uma for the first time and get to know everyone involved (and take lots of pictures, of course!).

Anyway, prayers are defintely in order! Please send them our way!!

Ishana

Ishana was here for a month this summer!! It had been two years since we had seen her as her mother had not been willing to send her.

Finally she came this summer and with a new agreement in place, we are hoping to see her twice a year now.

You could not have seen a happier daddy than Adhipen to be reunited with his little girl again!

Ishana was extremely excited about Uma. In every conversation about family, she brought in Uma's name and presence. She is going to make a wonderful big sister!

The highlights of Ishana's trip were, of course, her trip to San Jose to be with her grandparents and Malar Ate's family, Disneyland and lots and lots of movies! I think I saw every child's movie that was out this summer. Both Ishana and my favorite was Pixar's new movie "Ratatouille." We both love rats and this was a movie about rats, so what can you expect?

Ishana is very physical and likes to play in the park. She especially loves a park with good monkey bars! If the monkey bars stink, the park stinks. So there you have it! She is extremely coordinated and at the same time, graceful. She learned to ice skate, which she absolutely loved! If it were up to Ishana, she would have been on the ice the entire trip! She had private lessons and her teacher told me that the was quite advanced in her skills. She bought her own pair of ice skates with the money her father had given her for her first communion, which she had this year.

Ishana also started her own business. Yes, that's right, she is a true entrepreneur, like her dad. Her aunt, Malar, taught her how to make beaded necklaces and earrings and Ishana saw that these could be made fairly quickly and easily, and she has a great eye. Seeing her interest, Malar bought her a beading kit of her own, and after that Ishana sat down and started making jewelry and she was able to sell it. One time she came to my office and while I was working, she got so many orders from my co-workers that it took her the whole day to make the jewelry! Adhipen had business cards made (which Ishana designed on the computer), and the business was born: Jewelry by Ishana.

Now, Ishana and I had taken a crochet class together but the crochet fell a bit by the wayside with the instant gratification of jewelry making, but Ishana has now found her craft and her business niche! I, on the other hand, am loving the crochet and am working on an afghan for Ishana.

Ishana has a love/hate relationship with sharks. She is absolutely terrified of them, to the point that she does not even feel completely comfortable in a swimming pool let alone the ocean. In a pool she has to keep reminding herself that sharks cannot get in there, or she just can't even swim with ease. At the same time, she has studied them and knows quite a bit about them. On e-bay, we bought some sharks teeth, a great white tooth necklace, and an ancient shark tooth, from a Megladon, which literally fit her entire hand. This tooth was her pride and joy and she liked to carry it everywhere she went and show it to people and explain to them about the Megladon. She edcuated quite a few people, including Adhipen and me, on this ancient being.

We had one sad thing happen which was that Ishana's (and our) pet rat Suzy died. We had bought Suzy as a little baby rat when Ishana was here two years ago. At that time, Ishana carried Suzy with her everywhere and the two of them were as bonded as a girl and her dog would be. About a year ago, Suzy began to develop tumors (which the vet says is the most common cause of death in rats) and they kept growing and growing. They were fairly large by the time Ishana came this summer. One night, as Ishana put Suzy back in the cage, the rat ran up to her and stuck her nose out. Ishana came to her and kissed her and said, "Goodbye." I got this eery feeling that Suzy would die that night, and she did. It was really as if she had waited for Ishana to come back so they could have some together time, before she did. Ishana and I buried her in our garden. It was the first pet that Ishana has lost. She was glad, however, that she got to be with Suzy more time before she passed. I also was very attached to Suzy and I was also so very glad that she had waited for Ishana.

Ishana is a naturally spiritual, extremely intelligent beautiful and deep soul. I feel like I have known and loved her all of my life. Our summer was so very blessed that she was here with us. It made the wait for Uma so much more bearable.

Next summer, we are all praying, Uma will be here to know her wonderful big sister!